Hello you lovely lot!
Today I intend to share with you my shadow relative to not being able to help others. This shadow shows itself most when I am in the presence of someone who deliberately resists my assistance, when I’m in the presence of someone who is unable to benefit from the help I could give or when I’m in the presence of someone who just flat-out won’t listen to me. This shadow has shown itself a fair few times recently.
There was the time Heather and I ran into a homeless person who repeated their pitch for attention several times, each time changing the factors which we offered a solution to. For example, the first time he said “My sister is in Oxford,” and when we suggested him seeking a way to Oxford he said, “My sister is in New York.” That sort of thing pisses me off. The main reason being that he was only talking to us to sap energy from us and to leech a small amount of money to buy some alcohol. I gave him enough money for some booze in the end, the reason I did this was because I understood that being drunk and satisfied with it is one better than craving alcohol.
The most regular trigger for me, for this particular shadow, is when Heather and I sit down to do Shadow Work. A lot of the time Heather resists my help when it comes to Shadow Work and it always gets to me. As this blog isn’t about her, I’m not going to go into why she resists my help, that’s her business. I am going to look at my shadow relative to why it’s an issue for me if she doesn’t want to do Shadow Work.
The Process & The Fruit
When we started looking at this shadow of mine, the initial painful thought was, “I get annoyed when I can’t help people.” What that meant to me was that if I can’t help others then I feel inadequate. And so “I feel inadequate,” is a belief I hold. This is a core belief, but I felt we could go further. My next feeling was that if I am inadequate, thus not good enough, then I am pointless.
Looking again at my feelings of inadequacy I asked myself again why it would be so bad if I was inadequate. My feeling was that if I am not good enough, then I must be broken. I had a feeling that broken people were worthy of more attention.
I looked at how I might make myself broken in order to receive more attention from others, here is what I found…
- I sabotage my own happiness (This is evident in the latter part of the first blog I posted)
- I make myself alone (This is also evident in the first blog I posted)
- I don’t look after myself as well as I should. I.e: lazy when it comes to cleanliness, I snack on junk food.
- I don’t focus on my own needs enough and I ignore my emotions.
- I set impossibly high standards for myself and then punish myself for not reaching them.
- I have a habit of being incredibly paranoid.
The Seed Of This Belief
I took some time to look back over my life to see when I might have picked up the belief that people who are broken in some way are more worthy of attention. In doing this I came upon a memory.
When I was much younger, perhaps about the age of six, My Dad was in a destructive relationship. The woman he was in this relationship with was fairly twisted. I mentioned her in previous posts, and I still do not really know enough about her to understand why she is the way she is. I can only speak from my experience, and my experience is that she is psychotic and ruthlessly self-serving. This woman had two kids at the time we moved in, a boy who was a few months older than me, and a girl who was a few years old than me. As you can imagine these kids were mirrors of their mother’s characteristics and traits.
My Dad is a lot like me, he likes to help people and he possesses a combination of natural and learned skills which enable him to do so. That said, the opinion of him on my Mother’s side of the family is not a pleasant one as my parents divorced when I was 18 months old and my Mum joined the majority of people on her side of the family whom detested my Dad. It’s for this reason that while growing up I felt like my Dad was two people. The kind, caring and wise Dad I knew, and the man who took me from my family, which was the man in the stories I was told by my Mum’s side of the family.
I love both my parents to pieces and I understand that they each have their bitterness towards one another and each others’ families and so I take all the stories with a pinch of salt while watering down the emotional elements to find a sort of mutual truth. Anyone who has divorced parents will understand where I’m coming from here. You have to sort of listen to both parent’s stories and figure out the elements that are the same and piece together the truth from that. Both parents are hurting and so it’s natural that they will exaggerate elements of the story in accordance with their pain.
Anyway, back to the story of where I got my belief, “Broken people are more worthy of attention,” from. During the time I was living with my Dad, his destructive partner and her two children, I saw a pattern forming. I saw that my Dad gave more attention to the others than he did me. I saw that when others are unable to help themselves they are given help. This generated several beliefs for me. The first being, “If someone is in need, I must do all I can to help,” this is the cause of my trigger when I can’t help others. The second belief was, “If I am broken I need to be looked after.” This belief was one that was useful for me if I ever wanted to be looked after, but it was also the source of a lot of pain.
The belief “If I am broken I need to be looked after,” caused pain for me firstly because when others are in need, I feel that they need to be looked after, and when they resist this I am triggered. And secondly, if I was ever ill and I was with my Mum she would give me lots of loving attention until I felt better. If I was ever ill when I was with my Dad he would find out what it was, give me something to help and leave me to be ill. Neither is wrong, they are just different ways of handling the situation. However, being that when I was younger I picked up the belief that, “If I am broken I need to be looked after,” the way that my Dad dealt with me when I was ill was naturally the source of a lot of suffering for me. I don’t blame him, he wasn’t to know.
A Revision Of Sorts
After understanding this, I thought it best to review my belief about not being about to help others, and here’s what I found. I learned that if someone is in need and I can’t help them, then I feel like suffering is my fault. (Thank you to the belief, “If someone is in need, I must do all I can to help,” for that one). I decided then to look at the larger occurrences in my life at how the belief, “If I can’t help someone, then their continued suffering is my fault,” has been reflected.
The obvious example is the experience I wrote about in my first blog about my first love. The less obvious, but equally potent one was that when I was about five years old and was living with my Mum. She wasn’t able to cope with me financially and so gave me up to my Dad until she could get back on her feet, money-wise, and I didn’t end up moving back to live with her until I was about thirteen.
In understanding the effect this had on me I began to feel another belief. The belief that, “My presence is a burden.” I then decided to look at how I create this feeling for myself, in others words, I made a list of how I make my presence a burden. This is what I found…
- I over-talk, saying more than is necessary to get my point across.
- I divert the flow of conversations to topics of my own interest (spirituality).
- I disapprove of negative focus and get annoyed when others won’t listen to me if I’m providing them with alternative thoughts which are positively focused.
The Positive Benefits & Intentions
What I’m about to do now is make a list of the beliefs I’ve uncovered during this blog post and understand what I might gain from holding the beliefs I have developed. This is something that is always really beneficial to do because there is always a positive intention behind the destructive or negative beliefs we hold and there are always benefits that each belief has for us.
“I feel inadequate.” – The benefits of feeling inadequate are: I will never let myself be pushed out of my comfort-zone, I won’t feel the obligation to try very hard, I don’t have to deal with people expecting more of me than I am willing to give and it would make me feel like I always should be better than I am – thus enabling me to always loathe myself for my current state of being. The positive intention behind the belief, “I feel inadequate,” is the desire to gain unconditional love.
“If I’m broken, I need to be looked after.” – The benefits of needing to be looked after if I feel broken are: I don’t have to look after myself if I don’t feel like I can’t or don’t want to, I receive attention for being broken and so it feels like it’s okay to be broken and I feel more important and less inadequate in somebody takes the time to care for me. The positive intention behind this belief would, again, be the desire to gain unconditional love
“If someone is in need, I must do all I can to help them.” – The benefits of helping someone in need are that: it would prove to myself that I have the capacity to stand up for what I feel is right, it would prove I am capable of self-discipline, I would feel like a supportive person, it provides me with the opportunity to ignore my own wants and needs – thus self-sacrificing, I would feel like a hero, it would enable me to feel drained and thus inadequate and broken. The positive intention behind having to always help someone when they are in need would be the desire to be a compassionate and loving person.
“My presence is a burden.” – The benefits of maintaining this belief are: I would be able to use this belief to get out of doing things I don’t want to do, believing this would reinforce the beliefs that I am broken and that I am inadequate, believing this would make me feel as though I am better off alone – which reinforces my belief that I should be alone, that it would push others away and make them feel inadequate which would in turn reinforce my belief that I should be alone. The positive intention behind this belief therefore would be a desire for empathy.
How I Can Use This
In understanding these beliefs, the short-term benefits of maintaining them and the positive intentions behind them I can begin to gear my actions and thoughts towards cultivating the desired experiences rather than reinforcing destructive patterns. What I mean by this is that I now understand that in maintaining the aforementioned beliefs I have in fact been searching for unconditional love, compassion and empathy.
The next step for me now is to begin to cultivate love, compassion and empathy more sustainably within myself by gearing my actions, thoughts and responses towards acting as lovingly, compassionately and empathetically towards others as possible. This will enable me to be a match to others who seek to also cultivate these traits within themselves. When I have successfully integrated the part of my personality that really is compassionate, empathetic and loving into my active patterns then I will be a match to others who have done the same.
I will now commit to doing one thing this week that will enable me to allow this part of me, which has always been present, to shine through. That one thing will be to remind myself on a regular basis that everyone is always doing the best they can with what they have while simultaneously reflecting an element of myself back to me.
Words Of Wisdom
Anybody who provides you with the opportunity to feel annoyed/angry/upset is giving you the choice between acting consciously or acting in the way you have in the past. Anyone who gives you any problems in your life is there to raise your spirits/vibration and provide you with expansion for your personality/self.
When you meet someone in life you might absolutely hate them. When you start to look at it from a spiritual perspective, you will see that – due to the ‘pre-life contract’ you and them have made with each other – they are there to provide you with the expansion they agreed to provide you with. In other words they are there to teach you, or show you, something which will help you grow.
Thank you for being here with me for this. I am truly grateful.
You’re a wonderful human!
I love you!
Andey Out! xxx