I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships recently. In fact the theme of the entirety of the last two months has been clarity. During the past two months I have gained insight into who I want to be, who I want to be around, what I am going to put up with in social situations and how I am going to go about getting clear on what I aim to gain from any situation. Knowing these sort of things is incredibly beneficial when you’re someone who – like me – loves using their time as efficiently as possible.

If we don’t know what we want, how can we expect to get it?

Do you often find yourself getting annoyed with those you hold dear, but you can’t quite put your finger on why? I want to share with you today a short process that you can do (while reading this blog post if you so wish!) which will help you gain clarity on exactly the sort of person you want to be around. In doing this you will begin to see why others might trigger you. I’ve used this exercise to better utilise my time and energy in my life. If I see that someone is not in harmony with the traits I feel are possessed by people who would really appreciate my time and energy then I will limit the time and energy I spend with them.

I’m not saying any one is less or more worthy of love. Far from it. I am suggesting that it’s a hell of a lot more self-loving to spend your time and energy on and around someone who will really one-hundred percent appreciate it, as opposed to on and around someone who will spend the whole time in resistance. There is always going to be someone who is a vibrational match to those whom you are not concerned with spending time with/on.

What I’m suggesting is that if we desire something there is always more than more way to attain it. If we are closed-minded when it comes to looking at all possible courses of action, then we will never see more than a few. It’s most likely that, when in a closed-minded state, we will only be able to see the most treacherous of routes to our desired experience. For this reason I feel it’s important to spend time – before even thinking about making changes in life, making commitments and such – getting clear on the type of people we want to be around.

The Process

There are multiple ways of going about getting clear on who we want to be around. The easiest and most natural is to think about what annoys you most about those you don’t desire to spend much time around. For example, for me I get annoyed when people are late to meetings, so I would seek someone who is punctual. If I felt annoyed as a result of people taking themselves too seriously, I might look for light-hearted people with an aptitude for self-reflection. If I felt annoyed by people who are overly negative, I might look for someone who focuses positively as often as possible.

The list can be as long as you want it to be, and you can always add to it later. What you will find, when making this list, is that you will actually have a list of traits that either you possess or you desire to possess. This is an ironic side-note. What you’ll find is that either you’ll already, naturally, possess these traits, or you that you suppress this part of you by acting in the way that you would find unattractive in another person.

For example, if you are annoyed by people who take themselves too seriously, this might be because you take yourself too seriously at times and you’re looking for someone to balance that out. Whatever you come up with in this list, the most important part of this is to accept who you are and where you are. It is equally as important to accept others for who and where they are too. Don’t try to mould others into your idea of a ‘good person’, this is something many of us do without really noticing it. If you find yourself often trying to change someone to fit them into your definition of a ‘good person’, then it may be time to seek someone who is more in alignment with where and who you are right now. Remember, life is change so there are no real final goodbyes.

Now I’m going to show you how to use this ‘clarity on friends’ list in a way that doesn’t cause you to end up alone with no friends. So first you’ll want to get your list of traits up to about 10 traits or more. Once you have a list of this length begin to compare each trait to the next and ask yourself, “Which of these traits would I most like to have in a potential friend or relationship partner?” I’ll show you what I mean…

I’m going to make a hypothetical list of traits as an example…

The list is as follows:

  • Honest
  • Light-hearted
  • Compassionate
  • Open-minded
  • Positively Focused

Asking Good Questions

So what you want to do is to ask yourself something along the lines of, “Out of honesty and light-heartedness, which of these traits would I most like to have in a potential friend or relationship partner?” Then, which ever you pick to be more desirable out of the two, put a tally mark next to it. Then ask yourself something along the lines of, “Out of honesty and compassion, which of these traits would I most like to have in a potential friend or relationship partner?” Then tally the result. Keep doing this until you have compared each trait to every other trait for it’s desirability.

Once you are done you will have 2-4 traits which have considerably more tally marks assigned to them than the others. These are the traits that you see as the most valuable in others and hold in the highest regard in others. In knowing this, you will be able to better distribute your time and energy.

What it comes down to, once again, is integrity. Practising integrity which is focused towards yourself is the key with clarity on relationships. There is nothing wrong with being clear about who you want to be around. It doesn’t make you less spiritual, or less of a ‘good person.’ It’s important to be honest with yourself about the way people make you feel. That said, it is most often a question of focus – though we might feel like some people don’t provide us with very many positive aspects to focus on.

In Conclusion

When we surround ourselves with those who effortlessly make us feel good then any happiness we cultivate naturally within ourselves will be multiplied when we are around these people. As I said earlier, it is incredibly self-loving to surround ourselves with those who encourage happiness and growth within us.

The traits we deem to be desirable traits within others are specific to us and so there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing not to be around those who do not contribute to your happiness. There will always be someone who has that person’s traits on their list and they will want to be around them – whether they are aware of this or not. We all naturally judge, we judge others and we judge whether we want to be around them or not. Judgement is an absolute of the human experience. Therefore, it does not make us any less spiritual to admit to ourselves if we do not want to be around someone, whether that is temporarily or permanently.

In closing, I’d just like to make it clear that to choose not to be around people who make you feel negative is okay, but you cannot avoid the feeling. To avoid the feeling, or to suppress the feeling, is to resist it. Any problem that is not solved will continue to bump you with it’s presence. The longer you avoid or ignore a problem for, the more often it will appear in your life, and the more extreme it will become. So, for this reason I would say that, while it is beneficial and important to be very conscious about how and where you apply your energy, it is equally, if not more, important to look at why you have resistance to any person or experience.

Signing off…

Thank you so much for reading, I sincerely hope this has been of value to you! Please comment and let me know how you got on! Also, don’t hesitate to get in contact if you need a hand with this or anything else. You can comment publicly or use the private contact form on the ‘Contact’ page. Anything sent through the ‘Contact’ page is confidentially and will not be shared with anyone. I’m always so happy to receive questions and messages from people, so please get in contact!!

I love you, you’re awesome!

Namaste, all the way!

Andey out! xxx

Our accidental homage to The Last Supper... A younger me in Newquay with amazing friends... (top row l-r)  Jenny, Ed, Heather, Me, Joe, Jack, Will, Harley and Dan. (bottom row l-r) Mike, Arne, Phil, Emily and Keanu.
Our accidental homage to The Last Supper…
A younger me in Newquay with amazing friends… (top row l-r) Jenny, Ed, Heather, Me, Joe, Jack, Will, Harley and Dan. (bottom row l-r) Mike, Arne, Phil, Emily and Keanu.