I lay here now in bed in my Dad’s spare room listening to the straight rhythm of the three clocks on the wall. Each clock is set to a different timezone, and yet they are synchronized. Not accenting any particular common beat, but falling into a steady rhythm which could easily be the basis for a drum beat to many a song. I am hoping the nature of my usually racing mind will not use the steady rhythm of the clocks to aid the generation of a sleepless night. We shall see.
The last few days have been interesting, to say the least. About this time last night I was just settling down in my own bed. The nature of travel always amazes me. The fact that you can be in one place one moment and then a few hours later you can be somewhere entirely different. I get this feeling every time. It’s baffling, amazing and yet somehow an accepted norm of this reality. Intriguing that it has become so.
An hour before this time last night, I had just found out that The People Solution’s website had been hacked by some mischievous human being with a penchant for sabotage. My instant reaction was to check the other sites on the server, my Dad and Step-Mum’s websites. One of which had been hacked also. I decided to call them and inform them of this. My Step-Mum–who was surprisingly able to maintain her polite and joyful disposition considering I had just caused her to get out of bed with my telephone summons–told me that she would ask her technically minded associate to have a look at it and that the problem would be fixed as soon as possible. I was glad of this, my frustration with the matter subsided somewhat after this.
The Lesson This Time Around
I have seen a pattern emerging over the last day or so. The pattern seems to be related to my feelings about who I am as a person. There were several factors which guided me to this understanding. There was the lady on the bus who triggered me because she took it upon herself to tell Heather to put her money away after I had asked her to stay with me to ensure I had enough change to pay for my bus ticket. I don’t usually get on buses, I normally walk everywhere. This was the first time in a long time I have used a bus to get anywhere, and this time this lady was there. There was the way I dealt with my feelings about this afterwards – which was to try and forgive her actions without really addressing how pissed off I was about how she had assumed the presence of a culturally accepted, but in this instance non-existent, relationship dynamic. By which I mean she seemed to assume that I make Heather pay for everything and the lady then said to me, “I’m not a man-hater, I just think they should be able to look after themselves.”
I wasn’t the only person on the bus she attacked in a passive-aggressive way, so I tried not to take it too personally at the time. But that didn’t stop me giving her the cold shoulder on my way off the bus. And then, naturally, the whole spiritual ideology kicks in… Good people don’t give others the cold shoulder. Good people treat others with love and respect. I am now reminding myself that there is no such thing as good or bad or right or wrong. There was, in fact, nothing wrong with the way I chose to act. It wasn’t in alignment with who I really want to be, but it was in alignment with where I was, vibrationally, at that point – otherwise it wouldn’t have happened. This led me to criticize myself.
The third element is that when I visit my family here, I always feel a highlighted sense of inadequacy. Not because of anything anybody else does. Not because my family emit an air of superiority, they don’t. But because on some level I feel like “I should be able to provide myself and Heather with a life like my family have here.” Hah! It’s only now I’m seeing how that feeling has manifested the previous experience! Isn’t that funny? Do you see how this has created that?
I am thinking about coming here and visiting this part of my family, whom I love so much, and my dominant thought and thus vibration is one of inadequacy, and so I manifest an experience which altogether successfully, and rather effectively makes me feel so inadequate that I disown my heartfelt beliefs for two periods of about about 5 seconds each, (one as I walk past the lady to my seat, and one as I walk past her while leaving the bus) in order to gain some false sense of adequacy through the sapping of her energy. Wow! Isn’t the subconscious mind a mad place to wander?
Isn’t it interesting how old patterns and beliefs rear their ugugilily heads and wreak havoc? It’s an interesting point too, that when I visit my family here, I seem to either become a more unattractive person in all ways, or I have these unattractive traits highlighted by those around me. Once again, that is not to say that the lovely people around me deliberately highlight these traits within me, but rather as a result of their natural way of being they show to me the traits I possess which I have already deemed unattractive and attempted to suppress, only to have them surface again, ten times more potent and ten times more cringe worthy.
How interesting! Yes, I will think on this!
I’m going to one of my favourite places ever tomorrow. I’ll be sure to take lots of photo’m’graphios. (that’s photographs) Okay, I’m growing delirious now. My rant is at it’s end, i think, and I am encroaching on that state of tiredness in which my waking reality seems to blur with the sleepy-time one. I look forward to writing about tomorrow’s exciting and wonderful experiences and I also look forward to sharing with you some photos of me, Heather and our exploits over the weekend regardless of how tired I am while said photos are being taken, as a result of me still being awake writing this now EVEN THOUGH I SAID I’D STOP TYPING! Okay, seriously now!
Good night! You’re amazing!
Andey Out xxx