It’s been a little while since I’ve written about anything *really* personal on here. The reason for this is that my life is on the brink of a total overhaul. BUT in amongst all the craziness, I picked up on something which I’d like to share with you.
It came to light for me, recently, that with regards to women in my life, what I really want is to build a crystal palace and have them all live there with me and no other guys – apart from maybe like gay servants or something – while they are looked after and cared for. Sounds a bit strange, I know. The truth is that this has come from my childhood relationship with my Mum. (Funnily enough! Anyone with any basic psychology training would could tell you that! Hahah)
As I have mentioned before, my parents split when I was 18 months old. I love both of my parents to bits, there is no mistake to be made there. However, while I was growing up and after my parents divorce happened, my Mum had a series of not-all-together-pleasant-or-entirely-positive relationships. There was the compulsive liar who also happened to be addicted to hard drugs, there was the obnoxious recluse aaaaand there was the boy-racer with more rage and tension inside him than you thought a human could possess without actually exploding. By the time my Mum ended up with the aggressive boy-racer she had 3 other kids. These are 3 of my sisters. (I do have another sister from my Dad’s own rather destructive – to say the least – relationship, but that’s another story for another time). Naturally ending up in such negative relationships was nobody’s fault or aim. As we all know, these things just happened as a result of our dominant vibration.
The relationships my Mum had that were negative and mostly destructive spanned most of my life, from when I was about 2 or 3 to when I was 15. In and as a result of all of these unpleasant pairings I was left with the desire to protect my Mum and sisters from everything bad in the world. And naturally as a result of this desire; I deducted that most men, if not all men, could not and can not be trusted. I think you’ll agree that that’s a pretty heavy burden for a 15-through-20 year-old to carry.
It amazes me that this is something that has been dictating my thoughts and actions for so long. It’s fairly clear to me now that the positive intention behind this is to care for others and help them to avoid people who will hurt them. Naturally, however, with pain comes expansion; to shield every female I meet from all the pain I can, forever, is going to severely hinder their expansion. Not only that, but it will cause me to be spread so thinly that I might just tear in several places.
Clearly the giant crystal palace with no male presence save me isn’t an idea that will work. Likewise, me pampering and sheltering every woman or girl who walks into my life isn’t going to work either. So what do I do?
I’m going to be travelling this year. Once I finalise the plans, I’ll be travelling a lot. I’ve already got 1 trip planned, another 2 to the same place in the pipeline and there is talk of a third destination. So, unless I’m gonna invent a shrink ray and a miniature, portable crystal palace to keep in my backpack while I travel; the crystal palace idea is definitely out of the question.
The positive intention behind this desire to protect that I care about others and want to be safe. Why? Because if my Mum isn’t looked after, then I’m not looked after. And why is that so bad? Because, if I’m not looked after then I’m vulnerable to the evils of the world; namely… the types of men who hurt our family. Isn’t it funny how that comes full circle? Don’t you just love the human psyche?
Okay, so if I want to look after others because I feel like if I don’t then I won’t be safe (and security and safety is a biggun for me, being a Cancer and all) then why not just cut to the root cause? Andey needs to feel safe to be happy; Andey needs to do what it takes to feel safe. Once I feel safe and secure then I can easily look after anybody in need and help anyone that I can.
So my plan is to do what I need to to feel safe and secure – *within myself* – and then I will be able to adequately help others to feel the same way. Once I feel safe and secure within myself and my environment the need to force others to feel safe will naturally subside. This will leave me with a healthy ability to help others with no resistance to their choices.
I have all the understanding which dictates that there is no good or bad and so it doesn’t matter what people do. Now all I need is to develop the contributing harmonious emotional factors. This will be my focus for the coming few days: To understand what I do that makes me feel secure and safe and to figure out what I can start doing that will help me to feel secure and safe… Then begin to consciously practice these things daily.
The Oedipus Complex strikes again. I’ve learned that my relationships and experiences with my Mum growing up have caused me to resent and fear men while needing to protect and shield any and all females I meet from what I – subconsciously – see as the dangers and evil of the world. In order to overcome the destructive eventualities of this belief and pattern; I have set the intention to feel – and do things that makes me feel – more safe and secure within myself. I will be taking to my Shadow-Pad today to work on this very soon and we shall see how it goes!
Before signing off today, I wanted to share some numerical synchronisations with you. Over the past week or so certain numbers have been reoccurring for me in pairs and triplets – littered all over my life. The numbers are 1s, 2s and 3s. One night I even woke up – no alarm or anything – at 3:33am ON THE DOT. I’ll share with you what they mean now briefly. And I tell you, it’s a tad freaky considering what’s going on in my life at the moment.
The number 1 is all about Energy Flow. It’s about new beginnings, independence, masculinity and a new direction in life. Freaky considering I’m finally throwing in the towel on things which no longer serve and beginning to travel and move towards the freedom that is really important to me.
The number 2 is all about Change. It’s all about compassion and tolerance within the change, peacefulness, consideration and endurance. Again, based on what’s happening in my life at the moment it’s not out of place by any means. It’s important for me to remember how others might feel about my choices and take their feelings into consideration when I come to voice my feelings and opinions. It’s important for me to remember that the choices I’m making at the moment are choices which seem strange and confusing for some, and plain and flat-out wrong to others. Many members of my family are trying to hold me back from doing what feels good. So it’s important for me to be compassionate but direct when telling them how I feel and why I’m doing what I’m doing. After all, they know what is best for them and they have their opinion on my choices – but they don’t actually know what is best for me, I do.
The number 3 is all about Decisions. It’s to do with mind, body and spirit, it’s to do with heart-felt desires manifesting, growth, the principle of increase and expansion. A freak appearance or the constant presence of double or triple 3s means that the Ascended Masters are with you and are seeing to it that your ‘prayer’s are answered. I don’t pray in any sense of the word, but I do connect with my guides quite often now. They are cheeky and leave me a fair amount of cryptic clues and little hints to decipher. They knew I like adventure, so they play on that. Plus, they’re enigmatic and mysterious; being cat-people and all.
ANYWAY, I’m gonna go and get some breakfast now! I hope this has been interesting and useful for you to read! I love that you’ve read it all! That makes me glad!
I love YOU!
Namaste! Live to love and play my friends!
EDIT: Since posting this I keep getting 5s popping here’s the meaning of five based on *this website*… It was 15:51 on the 5th of the 1st when I had this moment of realisation…
“Number 5 resonates with the influences and attributes of personal freedom, unconventional, individualism, non-attachment, major life changes, life lessons learned
through experience, making important life choices and decisions, courage, motivation, telepathy, the intellect, activity, influence, the adventurer, sensuality, the promoter,
natural flair, vivaciousness, health, sympathy, motivation, competitiveness, idealism, non-conventional, curiosity, magnetism, experience, pleasure-loving, vitality, the visionary, expansion, opportunity, imagination, individualism, healing, choice, mercy, kindness, invention, resourcefulness, competitiveness, self-emancipation, physicality, impulsiveness, energy, travel, excitement, auspicious opportunities.” MADNESS! This is my life RIGHT NOW!