Some of you will have empathised with my post from yesterday. Some of you may have never had an experience like that and so may have found it confusing, bewildering or even a little psychotic. Regardless, I’ve spent time today looking at this belief and what I can do to work with it to feel more happy.
I did a shadow work process and one question came up… “Are you willing to prove you’re the only one who can look after women in order to prove that your mother loves you?” The reason this came up was because I learned that the reason my Mum did what she did was because she wanted to be happy and she wanted me to be happy; because she loves me. This seemed like her motivation for making the choices she made. The next question was… “Why would it be so bad if that wasn’t true? Why would it be so bad if your Mum didn’t love you?” To which I answered, “Because then she would have been doing all that to be cruel.” (OF COURSE THIS ISN’T TRUE! MY MUM IS AN AMAZING MUM TO ME, MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHER)
For the past 15 years or so, I’ve been simultaneously trying to prove my Mum right and wrong at the same time. I’ve been trying to prove that I am the only guy who can look after girls – because her past partners couldn’t look after her. But then I’m also trying to prove that other guys aren’t all evil by getting close to people and then causing them to want to push me away in various ways to that they end up in other guys arms. In doing this I’m becoming the person I never wanted to be. The irony is, it’s that fear that caused me to become that person.
The reason I reel people in is because I want to protect them from the evils of the world. The reason I push people away is because I learned to believe that, “If I get to be fully in love, then I will have everything I care about taken away from me.” This belief came about because when I was younger my Mum couldn’t afford to look after me so I ended up living with my Dad. My Mum has hated my Dad every day since because she didn’t get me back until I was 13. The reason Mum had to give me to my Dad was because the drug addict partner she was with drained her of money and left her with nothing.
So I feel like if the women I care about get too close to me I’ll make them lose everything they have because I’m a burden. And also I feel like I’ll lose everything I have if I get too close to anyone. And to cope with this I’ve subconsciously made myself like all the destructive men in my Mum’s life – apart from one, cuz I don’t have it in me. I made myself a drug addict by getting addicted to tobacco and weed and I made myself a recluse too. I’m moving out of these patterns now. I don’t smoke neither tobacco nor weed any more and I’m beginning to travel this year. All of this is positive forward movement.
The final page of this chapter is to look at the core of all of this. My fear is that all of the pain in my childhood relative to my Mum and her partners was all for nothing. My fear is that it didn’t happen because she loved me, but happened for some other reason. If I loved myself then I wouldn’t have been reliant on my Mum for this love. Truth is, as a child Mum’s love is essentially the child life. If the child isn’t loved by the Mum, the child doesn’t survive. So instead of learning to love myself, I have spent my life trying to get love from the women in my life who have been the target of the transference of my Mum’s love.
The truth is, I am no longer reliant on my mother’s love to survive; I’m old enough and capable enough to look after myself now. So the solution falls into place. The solution is to learn to love myself more and then I will feel less fearful of other men. If I love myself more I won’t be the like the men I fear. This will mean that I won’t be trying to protect others from these men. And thus I will not manifest them into my experience. As a result of this, I will have nothing to fear.
Remember what I love about myself… This is as follows…
- I love that I care about others.
- I love that I’m good at learning new skills. i.e. music, spiritual skills and techniques, impressions and computer-based skills.
- I love that I’m a great chef.
- I love that if something feels good I’m always keen to learn more.
- I love that I know what I want and when it’s clear I’m not afraid to get it.
- I love that I’m fucking hilarious sometimes. Like, really really funny – I make myself nearly collapse from laughter.
- I love that when I want to remember something I can remember it to the letter.
- I love that I have very few limiting though patterns. This enables #2.
- I love that I’m a Word-Wizard.
- I love my adventurous spirit.
- I love my passion and zest for life.
- I love that I can love things about myself.
It’s said that our entire life is a journey of learning to love ourselves more and more each day. This is my latest step forward in this front. And I think this has been the biggest root-core belief I’ve ever found. It’s the most painful one too. I’ve never been in tears from looking at a core belief before. And I’ve never experienced so much fear as a result of thinking about letting it go. It’s been a wild ride and it’s a constant learning experience of course. Right now, I feel good about this step forward and I’ll continue to remember what I love about myself each day.
Let me know in the comments what you love about yourself!
Namaste! Live! Love! Play!