I’m going to be brutally honest today. In doing this I hope I am able to demonstrate the value of expressing raw, unedited emotion. So many people, especially those in the spiritual community, speak out against negative emotions. They talk about how focus on negative emotion will just manifest more negative experiences. Which is true. But why manifest a life time of negativity from suppressed emotion when you could manifest a few weeks or a month of hell while you work through it, then never have to deal with it again?
“Don’t cry,” they say. “Chin up,” they say. “It’s okay,” they say. How about when it’s really not okay, how about when all you can do is cry because it’s the only thing that feels right. In those instances, cry. Cry your heart out, and then some if you need to. Just keep a steady in-take of water so you don’t get too dehydrated. Nobody likes a crying headache.
Since my ex walked out on me I have cried a lot, I’ve smoked a lot, I’ve paced around this house a lot, I’ve cried some more, I’ve played and written songs and I’ve chatted the whole thing through with different people. I am experiencing a strange oscillation between being who I was before the whole thing happened and being this broken, tortured and abandoned version of me which is eerily reminiscent of my darker teenage years. I do desperately want to be this jolly, happy person that I used to be again but I realise that we can never go back. Life is change and we are fixed in forward motion – my choice is to use these experiences to become wiser but not allow them to make me cold or to build a wall between me and others. Some days I feel like I’m starting to re-build who I am. Some days I feel broken, empty and lost.
Right now I am fucking fed up. I’m fed up of this feeling of being alone with nobody who really understands how I feel. I’m fed up of this feeling of being abandoned and rejected. I’m fed up of being asked if I’m okay. I’m fed up of pretending that I am okay when I’m really fucking not. I’m fed up of not wanting to eat anything even though my body is screaming at me to feed it. I’m fed up of eating two mouthfuls of whatever I make and feeling like I’m stuffed or like I’m going to be sick. I’m fed up of not sleeping. I’m fed up of waking up thinking that she’s going to be next to me when I open my eyes. I’m fed up of the fucking memories which surround me everywhere I go – this house where we shared this room, this village where we walked, the park where we sat. I feel like I’m stuck in this cruel limbo state and I have to just be okay with it. But I’m not okay with it.
I’m not okay with being reminded of all this pain, of everything that we could’ve had. I’m not okay with just carrying on with life like nothing happened. I’m not okay with what my life looks like now. I’m really not okay. (And from a more enlightened perspective – which the part of me which is only observing the suffering is well aware of – is that it is absolutely okay to not be okay. In fact, it’s a perfectly valid and integral part of living. Though, it’s not an end-state).
I’m in a really strange place, emotionally, at the moment. Before my life spiralled into being what it was up until about a week ago, I had this big plan. I had this huge vision of what I was going to do. I was going to travel around this country and meet new people, I was going to then set up a base (an intentional community home) and then travel internationally with an entourage from there. Then I fell in love and plans changed. My big vision was still in play, but it became so important for me to be with her that my plans landed on the back-burner – not because of anything she did, said or wanted – purely because my heart wanted to be with her. And again, there’s nothing wrong with that. That said, my plans do require more dedication in the face of potential change, I admit.
I can’t begin to explain how lost I feel without somebody that I love next to me, or even on the other end of the phone. I just feel lost without *someone*. It became such a natural state for me to be in. I got so used to being “someone’s” that I forgot who I was, as an entity. This was one of the reasons that I wanted to leave my previous long-term relationship – to discover who I was as a person. I was only beginning to be okay with being alone when my recent ex appeared in my life. And I just couldn’t ignore all the synchronisation that surrounded us so I went for it, nothing held back as ever. Of course, there was nothing wrong with doing what I did and I don’t regret it at all. I am learning, however, that my ‘nothing held back’ attitude to life and love is one which makes it easy for me to get hurt. I’m starting to wonder if my natural open-hearted way of being is something that is my undoing. Though, they do say that to keep on loving through all the suffering caused by the pain of love is where true courage is shown.
The main source of my suffering at the moment is my thoughts (and my tendency to return to them) when it comes to the time her and I spent together, the things we did, the places we went, the conversations we had, the laughs we shared, her silly little mannerisms which made me laugh… All the usual break-up stuff really. That shit’s enough to drive you mad.
All of that is the foundation of my suffering… And then there’s this nagging feeling that I’ve made a fucking massive mistake. Now, intellectually and in the voices of everybody around me, I’m hearing something that is always to the effect of, “you deserve better, you owe it to yourself to be with someone who will love you and support you the same way that you would them. You need to be with someone who is happy, not someone who you feel the need to fix. You can build a family, you don’t have to fit into somebody else’s.” And that’s all fine and dandy but that doesn’t change the fact that I still love her and that little boy and it doesn’t change the fact that I’ll never stop. And I do really love them both. I was a father for a stint there, a fucking good one. And I was essentially a husband for a stint there too. Now it’s all just… gone. And as I’ve said before, love is a constant. Once felt, it never really goes. So that hurts.
What I need to remember is that I’m not a victim in any of this. I created this. I attracted this into my reality. I allowed my vibration to be so, and for such a length of time, that I was in alignment with experiencing what I have experienced recently. Likewise, I’m still a match to the painful thoughts and the unpleasant feelings. They won’t go until I fully allow them to be there though. This is my next practice. Instead of thinking of this suffering as a burden to carry around, I can begin to find ways to feel as though it’s a gift. Which is, admittedly, a fucking massive leap so I won’t be doing that all at once. But yeah.
The most self-loving thing I can do right now is continue to let the emotions flow and then, when I’m ready at each interval, gradually move towards a better feeling thought, step by step. As I said in a recent vlog, sometimes it’s shit but we’ve got to remember that life is change and if we aren’t able to be like water and flow with it, then we get pulled under the surface sometimes or we may get snagged on a sharp branch and feel nothing but pain.
So, once again, it’s time for me to take my own advice.
I appreciate that this wasn’t the nicest of my blog entries to read. Usually they have a more uplifting tone. Alas, today I’m not in a particularly uplifted mood and so this is the best I can muster. I’ll not apologise for my sincerity, cuz where would that get us?!
I do love you.
You are amazing.
Find a way to live, love and play.