I can see now that with my recent relationship… There was something I needed. Someone I wanted in my life. And I saw only the good in an otherwise inaccurate picture. I wanted her to be this… Person. I wanted her to fill these boots. And when I saw a glimmer of hope that she might be something like that person, I ignored all the stuff which made me suffer and just focused on the bits that were sort of what I wanted.
It’s hard to say this now. Cuz the truth is that I do still have a lot of love for her and that amazing kid of hers. I’m suffering because I am giving so much attention to what could’ve been and not what is. What is, is we aren’t together. What is, is I am learning, growing and moving on. What is, is she is not the person for me. What is, and this is tough, is “we “- her and I – was a gift from the universe to show us what we don’t want, even if it seemed to be just enough to be happy.
It’s an odd experience, knowing that my vibration was such that I attracted somebody so wrong for me that I could love so much, who could bring me so much joy and yet so much suffering. That’s a lot of pull for somebody to have over somebody else. And, not that I even have to let it happen, but IF I ever let anybody be the person that I am THAT emotionally invested in, ever… Then they need to be somebody who can be trusted with my heart.
I was born with my heart on my sleeve. And it’s a tough life for those in this position, when we want to love so easily and so endlessly. It’s not a story of “woe is me”, this life of mine. It’s a story of triumph over suffering. It’s a story of love through loss. It’s a story of self-loving choices and due goodbyes. It’s my story. It’s a new page every day.
Sometimes, in all of our stories, we need somebody to help guide us through. I’m lucky to have somebody there for me when I truly need it and am in a state of receptivity – a state which is a difficult one for me when I’m suffering. In experiencing what I have in the past week, I’ve decided to enlist some people who I feel are level-headed and transparent enough to call me on my bullshit and to tell me it straight. Sometimes we need some tough love, no added sugars. Sometimes we need a kick up the arse.
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies as was said in that cracking Maroon 5 song which seems all to apt right now. It’s not always airy-fairy and “everything is beautiful” (said in the voice of LSP.) Sometimes life can be shit. It really can be. But you know what, that’s okay. It really is. Cuz imagine how fucking wimpy we’d all be if the worst pain we ever had was a paper cut! It’s be chaos. I’m not discrediting paper cuts as a pain of life. They fucking hurt. But imagine if that’s as bad as life got? One to two hours of “Ooo, I forgot about that. Ouch.” Before it heals up and you move on. (The irony is that *that* is how most of is want suffering to be. A slap on the wrist from the universe. But do you think we’d ever really learn and grow if that was how it worked? It’s better this way for everybody. Even if it is shit sometimes).
Suffering is fine by me. I don’t like it. I’m not a masochist. But I understand that it’s an inevitable part of the process of learning about and purifying vibrational frequencies. It’s an integral part of the internal alchemical process that helps us on this path of happiness. *Of* happiness, not to happiness. The distinction should be made clear. Happiness is the journey, not the treasure.
The truth is, I’m not the victim here. All of this – this suffering – it’s my creation. And I know one day soon I’ll wake up having had a week of happy mornings instead a week of sad mornings. I know that one day I’ll wake up next to somebody I love who is good for me in every way. I know that one day I’ll wake up next to this woman and our child will run in the door and snuggle with us on the bed, and I’ll have no nostalgia, no pain relative to it. And I know that one day soon, I’ll have my spark back, I’ll have that zest for life back in full and then some.
The Phoenix reborn from the ashes. More beautiful than ever. Burning hotter than the sun. Loving more than the moon loves the sun. Smiling more than the Cheshire Cat. And glowing brighter than a billion fire flies, igniting the clear night sky of summer.
I’m coming back, world. You better be fucking ready.
Get ready to live, love and play.