“We have been integrating what has been brought to light in the past few weeks and are ready to move out of these deeper waters. This Full Moon in Scorpio illuminates the last of it, and calls for us to gather our courage and take action that will enable us to move forward.“
Rather true to form in my life, I have had a lot of learning crammed into a short space of time of late. It’s tricky to get your head in the right place to actually formulate these sort of experiences into words when everything moves at such a fast pace. However, I have taken some time today to fill you in and explain some of what’s been happening.
Some of you may remember that I created a new rule for myself “no second chances.” This rule was born of nothing but heart-break and resistance. I noticed this while I was employing the rule and before too long was able to untangle myself from the grips of my ego.In time I was able to re-observe this rule and what would happen if I stayed my course relative to it. I could see that my heartbreak would continue, I could see that there would be a considerable amount of pain my life as I cut people loose when they hurt me once, I could see that I would cause myself pain as a result of pushing others away when it really doesn’t feel right. I’m not writing this today to go back on my word but rather shine awareness on the rule and re-observe it, this time with a fresh and objective outlook.
Nothing in life is ever really cut and dry, black and white. There are so many nuances, so many grey areas. If we close ourselves off from what is in between the extremes of any experience, then we close ourselves off to the majority of potential outcomes and/or eventualities. What I did recently, after making this new ‘no second chances’ rule and attempting to maintain it out of resistance was (and this shows how resistance works) to give my recent ex a second chance. I had created such an idea in my mind that I was unwilling to waver in my choice to offer second chances… So what happened? I said “No second chances.” The universe went… “‘No’? Well, that’s resistance. So we’ll drop out the ‘no’ and you’ve got… ‘Second chances.” Thank you universe… You’re a saucy bugger, you. But I got what you ordered! We always do!
So what was the outcome of this backtracking of my new personal values..? The short story is that I opened up again, she opened up more than before; I told her that we both needed to make some changes and do some growing up; I offered my help but refused to be the one making all the effort; she made very little effort apart from surface level stuff to keep me quiet… Aaaaaaand then things ended up how they were before… Her being inconsiderate, clever enough to give me just enough approval to keep me sweet and using what I’ve taught her against me… And then me just trying to change her… Not a healthy state to be in!
Let me tell you briefly why this happened for me and then why this sort of thing usually happens in relationships. And then we’ll move on to present affairs!
The reason this happened like this for me was because – as a result of my childhood experiences and the patterns I ended up with a result of them – my need for approval is so dire that I managed to attract someone who gave me approval in some of the key ways I needed it – sexually, physically and verbally. My vibration relative to what I felt I ‘deserved’ or was entitled to was at such a low, I was a match to somebody who – consciously or subconsciously – began to lay down the foundational pieces of an emotionally abuse relationship ready for when we may have moved to be in the same place and this emotional abuse would really kick off. My family keep telling me I had a lucky escape. I agree with them.
Picture this… You meet a girl… (And I’ll be blunt from here on) She lures you in with sexual appeal and regular sexual references in conversation – this keeps you in an state of desire. Then she compliments you on your physical appearance, penis size, sense of humour, everything – but just enough to keep you there. So, you come for the sexual appeal and stay for the approval. THEN what happens is she gets you into an emotional loop. Because of your training and experience with the emotions, suffering, human psyche and so on, you see suffering and want to help it to stop.She closes off, all walls up, all gates battened. Then, one day, she tells you that she wants to be happy, she wants to change the destructive emotional course that she’s been on and she wants your help to do it, in-spite of the previous remarks she made about not wanting your help.
She then proceeds to take every piece of advice you offer her and put it into action… For about a week, she’s everything you knew she could be. Then it becomes clear that it wasn’t pure of intention. It wasn’t for her. It was for you. It was a little show to keep you there. A little show to keep you locked in place. Because now you’ve seen what she can be, now you’ve seen how wonderful she really can be. All you want is that. All you want is to make her happy. But deep down, you know you can’t *make* her happy. You can’t *make* her do or be anything. So you have a choice… Love her regardless and allow this downward spiral to continue with you as part of it. Or, leave. Walk away with your sanity in tact.
After spending two days with barely any contact from her – after we had spoken pretty much non-stop every day since we begun talking – I was annoyed at her refusal to make time for me. During the days she wouldn’t reply to my texts, and in the evenings she refused my phone calls. Saying that it was because she was taking my advice and putting her child first and so on. (That’s using the child as ammunition as part of an emotional downward spiral, by the way. That’s the sign that a parent sees the child as more of a burden and often a pawn in a game of mental chess rather than a gift to be cherished).
Anyway, It was clear at this point that she wanted me as an energetic blood-bag and not as a partner. And so I manifested a wonderful end to the relationship which has made it so easy for me to never want to speak to her ever again. The last thing she said to me, before hanging up the phone, was “Stop being such a child. It’s no wonder no-one cares about you.” Oooooooo below the belt! Every time I think that I feel a punch in my heart. Like the final blow of a boxing match, wherein me hitting the floor means me doing what I should’ve done a few weeks before which was actually the most self-loving thing to do anyway… And this is to walk away and never look back. And, there I left it. I walked away. Number blocked. End of.
It feels good to tell this story. And it feels good to say “enough is enough” to a situation which drained me and really didn’t serve me at all. I deserve somebody who will love me, appreciate me, consider me, cherish me, adore me and be there for me. So much so that it’s equal to or greater than the level of those things that I can offer them. I need somebody who will love me, appreciate me, consider me, cherish me, adore me and be there for me, as much as I will for them. And I think I’ve found her. But I’ll save that story for another day. It’s another epic love story unfolding, I feel. I won’t jump the gun and speak too soon. I’ll let this one move slowly and surely and report as and when.
Now, my life is moving forward again. And I’m very quickly beginning to manifest everything I want in my life. I’m attracting new clients for my one-to-one sessions again. I have attracted a Padawan who will travel with me and will share a sort of student-teacher relationship with me – someone to teach and learn from simultaneously. I have attracted various options for setting up a base in this country. And I have attracted great friends all around. OH and this new epic tale of love, longing and re-union which I’ll write on soon… MAYBE!
The final piece of the puzzle for me, right now, is to have my dreams begin to be something I look forward to again. Every night for the past few weeks, I’ve dreamed of my recent ex’s son – the boy who I took on as my step-son for that time. He continues to haunt my dreams. Showing me things and guiding me places. And always at the end of the dream, he takes me to his mother. Now, there’s a reason I’ve not looked at a picture of her for weeks. There’s a reason that my stomach churns when I think of her. And that very reason is why I would love it if she didn’t pop up in my dreams every night. But, alas, I’m sure she’s in my dreams for the reason that I don’t want her to be. I’m sure that little boy is there for the same reason too. Part of my subconscious is yet to let go of him and by extension, her. I feel that’s something to do with my calling to fatherhood. It just feel so wrong to leave a child with somebody who is capable of doing what they did to me.
I must remember that I played a role unparalleled in the boy’s life. I showed him divine masculinity. When I was around him, I was able to truly embody the divine masculine energy. I was able to give him the gift of pure and true love. And that will stay with him forever, regardless of whether his birth parents do right by him or not. This boy is one I’ve known all my life and when I met him, there was no unusual feelings, no strangeness. I just knew him. And he knew me. This has made the transition into not having him in my physical life more difficult, but I’ll do fine. I’ll move through this and become stronger, wiser and faster as a result of it. I always do.
Isn’t it funny though… Of all that happening to me, the thing which had the largest impact was that kid. That amazing, silly, wise and so-switched-on kid… Ahhh, he knows I love him, and that I wish him well. And he knows where I am if he ever needs to visit me, non-physically. And one day, I will have a child of my own who I will be there for every day. One day, I’ll have a child who is my own son or daughter. And I will be the best fucking dad. Hell, I already am, I’m just waiting for my kid to incarnate and meet me on this planet. Which, to be honest, I’ve doubts about the wisdom of. Cuz sometimes it’s fucking hard being incarnated here and being me, imagine what my kid would go through!! Ahh, but they’d be loved. By me, by their mother, by our families and by the universe at large as we all are.
Life goes on as always. And there are amazing things around the corner. And so, I show gratitude and appreciation for blessings yet manifest. ❤
You are loved.
You are love.
I love you.
Live, love and play!