Laying here in the aftermath of a gross sickness that felled all 7 members of my mums side of my family, including myself, I tap onto Facebook to see this image… After the “yeah, right” feeling and the brief scoff I had as I’m still lying on a bed damp with my own fever sweat, a sense of calm washed over me.
We are all expressions of the same energy and as such we are all reflections of each other. Meeting people is like walking past a mirror. Some mirrors, we like how we look and stay a while. Some, we run, screaming to gods or goddesses that we’ve just seen their evil counterpart. In truth, we are seeing elements of ourselves. In truth, the vision of the devil we are faced with when we feel we want to run away screaming is nothing more complex than the most candid of reflections. A ruthless, brutally honest portrayal of the most unpleasant depths of our psyche. This is the part of us which we hate to look at, the part of us which we have kept hidden so well from the world that it became hidden from ourselves for a moment.
Yesterday was my most recent ex’s birthday. It is fitting then that myself and those she affected with her actions here spent the day being violently sick. For what is vomit but the energetic purging of that which no longer serves us, that which is disharmonious. I consider this to be the final purge of her from my energy field. And although she left a bitter taste in my mouth, I have come to feel grateful for the role she played in my journey. The contrast she provided me with has allowed me to develop clarity on who I will and won’t allow my energy to be focused on. I took the energy she offered me in the form of suffering and I transmuted it into a lesson learned. And, I’ll be honest with you, without that experience I would have never been a match to Rosa coming into my life. I needed a kick up the arse with regards to self-love and self-worth to be a match to someone who really can and will love me and value me as much as I deserve to be loved and valued. For that arse-kicking, I am grateful!
There really is nothing more beautiful than the alchemical transformation of suffering into relief, pain into happiness. And without contrast we would have little to fuel change. In the heat of the moment, with the needle piercing our finger, it feels like there is nothing worse than this pain. In that heat, however, we find passion. And it is this passion that drives us to transmutation. In life, we can let ourselves be beaten down by our suffering or we can use it to build a stronger, happier life for ourselves.
I’ve never been one to be easily defeated. Sometimes this goes against my favour. For example, I fought my feeling of sickness all night even after the bug had systematically picked off three of my family members because I hate throwing up so much. It’s my least favourite thing ever. I mean, I know that it’s never enjoyable for anyone – how could it be?! But some are more accustomed to it than others, people who enjoy binge drinking for example. I’ve never been one for alcohol – detest the stuff – so vomiting has never been something I grew accustomed to. As such, I resisted the urge to vomit all night and as a result prolonged my illness by about 12 hours. What we resist, persists after all!
That said, when I finally knelt down in front of the toilet bowl to retch almighty hell, it didn’t feel like defeat at all. It was liberating. And I subsequently slept for 24 hours – give or take. Sometimes, I scorn the younger me for telling myself that “I always get ill near my birthday.” Today though, I am sort of glad it happened this time. Although I didn’t enjoy it for a second and am still recuperating, the perspective it blessed me with is nothing short of profound. Plus, fever-high temperatures are always good for mad psychedelic dreams!!
I must return to sweating out into this bed and playing Dragon Age: Origins on my slowly dying laptop until I have recovered fully. It’s been wonderful monologuing to/with you as always!!
I love you!
Live, love and play!