Lately, there have been 3 primary things on my mind… Love, family and work.
With the first, my love is as ever overflowing and I love it that way. Giving as much as I feel I can without expending myself because loving myself is the most important thing. Though, at times this can be a challenge! Recently I’ve begun to say ‘no’ to more and more things which I know don’t serve me. Opportunities which don’t harmonise with my intentions and values, relationships with friends old and new which aren’t in-keeping with the list of traits I possess and thus desire those around me to possess – as a foundation for lifestyle at the very least.
With the second, confusion has been high lately as to the intentions of those around me when I look into the past and my early life. So many things were said to have been done in the name of love which now look to be in the name of pride or honour. And while these are not bad or unpleasant things – indeed they are things we all possess – I find myself itching at the thought of what transpired. Itching being a word which directly correlates to the perpetual presence of eczema in my life. Eczema being the physical manifestation of irritation and/or frustration. Frustration, in my case, from having the wool pulled over my eyes and being abandoned in more ways than one. One day, my friends, I’ll write my full story for you. One day I’ll tell you everything. Being the genesis of who I am today, it is my story to tell and in time I will. Though not yet. It will suffice to say, for now, that love is a wonderful thing and suffering can confuse even the truest of shots. And so, with acts of love must come acts of kindness and consideration also. Otherwise we find ourselves on a destructive path. What happened in my early life is a testament to that.
And the final, work. Some of you may know that for me, my work is a passion of mine. I’ve settled for nothing less than exactly what I want to be doing with my work. I am a coach and guide and, given the opportunity, I change lives.
However, I have built up a lot of resistance of late when it comes to manifesting new clients. I tend to attract abundance to a point, then it dries up. It’s a continual cycle. I’ve noticed also that seeking clients by posting out in groups feel like an uphill battle for me. It feels unnatural. It feels like I’m pleading, “Please employ me as your coach! Please pay me!” And that’s the resistance there. It’s really odd. For me, helping people through their problems, shadows and so on is something I’m incredibly passionate about. It’s actually something I’ve done my entire life for free. I stopped being everybody’s therapist when I realised that to do it without anything in return was draining for me. And more so what drained me was offering advice to people who were speaking to me for the attention and not for a solution or a way through their issues.
The fix to this, I thought, was to begin my own practice. I set out to charge for my time and this way only attract those who would truly value my presence in their life. This way, I thought, I’ll attract lots of people who value myself and themselves enough to pay me for my time and walk away feeling purposeful and fulfilled. This was the case, in a small way, for a short time. I didn’t attract heaps of people, only very few in fact.
At this point, it became very clear to me that when I helped people for free, it was about doing all I could to make a difference and then never making a difference. When I began charging, it started to become more about getting paid. Not to say that my desire to help anybody became any less but rather, I started to think that for me to offer my time and energy, I should receive something in return. Which in reality there is nothing wrong with.
Here’s the catch. You see, my abilities to help are not in question. Thing is… I was THINKING (intellectual, conscious mind and not feeling state) I SHOULD (critical judgement of self and the past) have something in return. The difficulty is that having grown up with such a feeling of worthlessness, feeling down on myself and my actual basic right to be here as a result of what went on in my earlier years. (The first physical manifestation of which: umbilical cord around my neck. The rest being something I’ll go into in detail at a later date). So, if I don’t even feel worthy of being here and this extends into things as seemingly trivial as feeling uncomfortable asking which plate of dinner is mine *because I didn’t even feel worthy of sustenance* then how on earth am I supposed to feel comfortable asking for something in return for my time and energy? How on earth do I expect to have clients flocking in left, right and centre?!
As such, I hereby resign from seeking clients. In this role – as the coach – I am the teacher, the master, the guide. And to be the master, I must take time too to be the student. And so, when I am not coaching, I am the student. In order for me to step up into the teacher role, I must be called to do so by another. This is not to say that I will not promote myself and my work when it feels natural and comfortable, otherwise how will others know about my work? However, there is a reason it feels uncomfortable to do what I have done in the way of promotion in the past. I must be attentive to this reason.
When the student is ready, the master will appear. This is true in many forms here. The first being that when I am ready to be the master – when my frequency matches that of the master – in those times, I’ll be called to do so. The second being, when those willing to learn are ready to become my students then they will find me and my work and the rest is history, as they say. My focus in the meantime is step-by-step moving into a state of feeling worthy for the good things in my life.
I have noticed before that when I work with other coaches, or spiritual practitioners, my level of self-worth increases. I feel this has something to do with firstly, giving myself love enough to dedicate time to myself with the aid of another. And also it has to do with another dedicating that hour or however long to my well-being. To have somebody work with me in an exchange of energy and value – trading my sessions for theirs – I feel a tremendous lift in my self-worth. As such, when the opportunities for these sorts of things arise, I’ll be snapping them up like nobody’s business!!
So all-in-all, in recent weeks I’ve come to see that how worthy we feel of even the smallest things effects how well we deal with what seem like the larger things. How natural it feels to cultivate a sense of entitlement to basic human requirements directly affects how natural it will feel to have what we desire to have. I feel silly to have missed that to be honest. Though, had I known it before now it would have just been information, papancha, and nothing more. This way, it is a deep learning, a lesson, for which I am grateful. Thank you for being present here with me as I have moved through this.
I hope this has been of value to you. Writing it has been valuable to me, as always!
I love you!
Live, love and play!