It’s always a strange time of the year, this one, for me. It’s got a tremendous ability to highlight discontent in those areas we have failed to address or refused/been scared to look at. It’s for that reason that I want to tell you something today which is scary for me to tell. It’s something that’s actually been the bane of my existence for a while now. Though, seeing as I swore to be brutally honest with you guys about what’s going on for me in my life, I figured I’d just tell you. No real harm can come from it and if it does, I’ll chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.
Naturally, things get on our nerves in our lives. Certain things affect some of us more than others. Some of us have expert coping mechanisms when it comes to dealing with what is causing us stress and strain. I’m one of those people. Today, though, I’m not here to tell you about the niggles and irks. I’m not here to bitch and whine about the inadequate coping strategies of others or the cold-shoulders of those who cannot or will not understand me. This post isn’t about the past rearing it’s head to urge us to deal with unresolved issues. Today, I want to tell you about something rather more intimate. Something which I’ve been haggling with for a while now.
In the first quarter of this year I got into and out of a crazy relationship which left me at rock-bottom. Many of my more avid readers will remember this happening. From there, I had to re-build myself. I had lost most of who I was beforehand and even my ‘Andey Spark’ was severely affected. The situation I was in – and then suddenly wasn’t in – called into the question lots of the things which I had held true. In a way, I am grateful for the horrendous amount of emotional pain I went through. It was a blessing in disguise really and I’d not change it for the world regardless of the struggle it has been to reclaim myself since. But even that encounter is not what I’d like to write about today. It is, however, an important part of understanding the situation I am in.
Through the emotional difficulty I experienced, something changed in me. Something clicked into place – or out of place, one of the two. When I hit rock-bottom, it was like a massive layer of who I thought I was got ripped away and I got to see myself more clearly. But with that, I began to see others more clearly too. I started to be able to understand everything that people were saying to me on a much deeper level than ever before as well as starting to feel the energy of others on a much deeper level than ever before. During my recovery from the pain, my perspective of reality began to shift and change and transform itself. In the process, I became a little more cynical than before but it’s a small price to pay because now I am able to empathise with others on a deeper level, allowing me to help more so. It is a wonderful gift, yes, but it isn’t without it’s drawbacks. That said, even this is not what am here to tell you about today. This is yet another piece of the puzzle when it comes to understanding my current situation.
The hypersensitivity I mentioned above is not new for me, not at all. It’s something I’ve experienced my whole life, on and off, but I learned ways to suppress the energetic experience I was having when I was much younger and ended up burying it within my subconscious. I put it in ‘the box we don’t look in’. Well, that box was disintegrated along with all of the other illusions I had about myself and my life during the period where I was rebuilding myself. As a result of this, my natural affinity for experiencing much more than the average person likes to believe they are experiencing was re-established.
So what are the drawbacks of this hypersensitive nature of mine? Imagine walking into a room full of your family. For me that’s my Mum, three sisters (17, 14, 11) and a brother (3) and a Jack Russell named Tess. Admittedly a large family. Now, as I began before… Imagine walking into a room of that many people and seeing, but not only seeing – feeling – everything they are feeling. (And then there’s the ability to sense what my partner calls the “emotional background” of any relationship) That’s the experience of a high-level empath and hypersensitive. Usually, it’s bearable because they all have positive feelings towards me. When somebody had decided that they don’t like something I’ve done, it’s really difficult to handle if I’m not mentally and emotionally prepared. Not just because I can feel the negative emotion streaming off them but because part of being hypersensitive as I am is reading people inside-out.
For somebody who doesn’t know what this sort of an experience is like: Imagine walking into a room full of 6-8 people and having them yelling their problems/insecurities/difficulties at you. Not just moaning about them or telling you about them or asking for your help. Literally, bellowing them at you when you’re inches away from their face. That’s what it’s like for me when I’m sitting with my family and they’re feeling good towards me. Now imagine what that’s like if one of them decides they don’t like me for something. It’s intense. It’s for that reason that I don’t tend to spend much time socialising with people. Naturally though, the less I socialise, the more my social skills decrease, which is a shame. For my benefit I don’t socialise in large groups. And for the benefit of others, I don’t tend to have very long in-person conversations with people who I can see, read, feel or sense maintain illusions about themselves or reality. Of course, most people maintain illusions about themselves because it’s difficult not to. Even me, who went through a illusion-purging process and still do every day… I still have some illusions.
Now, yes, this hypersensitivity is something that sounds awesome – and it is when I am able to live life on my terms – and of course it has it’s drawbacks, as mentioned above. And that’s without bringing up the intense emotions that come with it. Sometimes I have to shut myself away for days at a time to sit with the feelings I get and work through them. (everything I feel is like magnified ten-fold next to how I was before I went through the purging process – it’s for that reason I often pat myself on the back for letting go of my addiction so easily). With the hypersensitivity in mind though, I am able to do such powerful work with my clients because through just an audio call – listening to their problems and emotions being expressed – I can breakdown the issue, trace it to it’s root and offer effective tools to each client. Tools which are specifically designed for each person.
But even that isn’t what I’m here to tell you about today.
What I’m here to tell you about is this… When I came out of the awful relationship, I was at my Mum’s house. I was visiting for two/three weeks at the time. But when the relationship went down the toilet, I ended up staying here. I was sleeping on the sofa for about two months, picking up the pieces and redefining who I was, relearning how to communicate with others and myself. It was during those two months, I met my current partner, Rosa. She is someone whom I owe the world to, really. In so many ways, she saved my life. And I’m not being melodramatic. I don’t mean “she saved me from killing myself or like venomous spiders or something like that blah blah”. No. I mean, it was through speaking with her and sharing with her that I began to see new things and feel new things. It was through spending time with her, being honest about how I felt and who I was and what I’d been through – from start to finish, moles and all – that I re-connected with myself. And through re-connecting with myself, I fell in love with life once more – and with it, Rosa.
After crashing on my Mum’s sofa and stealing my sister’s bed when she went to visit her Dad for the weekend for several months, I hit a point where I couldn’t be around people any more. I had to wait until everybody else went to bed so that I could have some time to myself, wherein I fell asleep almost instantly most of the time because I was being woken up early when my sisters were getting ready for school and my brother wanted to come into the living room to play with his toys. Of course, that wasn’t an ideal situation for anybody to be in, let alone someone who had just gone through – and was still concluding – a process which was unlocking more energetic sensitivity than they had ever had before.
Eventually, I tired of being around my family and getting annoyed at them all the time. My family are amazing and I love them to pieces. Being annoyed at them isn’t good for me or them and I wished there was a way to make that happen less often. There were various plans which all fell through. There was talk of me staying with a friend in London/Brighton. There was talk of me moving into a one-bedroom apartment with my sister’s boyfriend whom I don’t find myself similar to. But one day, it all got too much. I was about to explode so I locked myself in the downstairs bathroom and cried for a while. (That was where I went when things got too much and I needed to cry. Which was fairly often, in all honesty.) Anyway, yeah. I got fed up of the bathroom after a while and decided to move to the next room, the utility room and sit there for a bit.
The utility room of this house is a square room of about 6ft wide in both directions with a counter covering half of the room. The day I decided to sit in the utility room was the day that it became my bedroom. I sat down on a pile of dirty washing and IM’d Rosa, venting my frustration and telling her about how I felt and after that, I couldn’t face the world outside of the room any longer. I gathered my bedding from the living room and laid it out on the floor where it has stayed since. I filled up a wicker basket with my clothes and turned a broken and disused radiator into a shelf. My bedside cabinet (end-table) is a washing machine which disrupts the quiet of my bedroom most days for at least an hour or two. And an old curtain now covers the windowed door to the outside world. Since about 4 months ago, this room has been where I have spent the majority of my time and will continue to be so until I leave for Mexico, which as yet I only have 1/5 of the money for the flight for.
I appreciate that this a strange confession and that my living situation is not as bad as the conditions that others in this world may live in. I also appreciate that many people respond to the explanation of my situation by saying, “Why don’t you just get a job like everybody else? You’ll be in Mexico in a month that way.” It’s for that reason that I explained my hypersensitivity to you earlier. A 9-5 job like “everybody else” is impossible for me. Extreme emotions, hypersensitivity to energy and people. Now imagine me as a cashier or a desk-jockey. The amount of pain and suffering I’d see and feel on a day-to-day basis speaking to and meeting all of those people… That would be horrible. It would really turn my gift into a curse then, and it would end up being suppressed AGAIN. Which would be such a shame when I could be using it to transform the lives of those who can make use of my abilities. In a one-to-one setting, this hypersensitivity is gold. Ask anybody who’s worked with me (or read my testimonials) but in 9-5 setting..? Impossible.
So after this, I find myself worrying that I have discredited myself as a “spiritual teacher” now. Though, I don’t feel like I have. Knowledge of the infinite is not hindered by an experience of the finite after all! And my abilities are not dependant on me living the life I’d like to be living. A life where I’m actually in the house in Mexico which already belongs to myself and Rosa. The house which is waiting for me. The life wherein I am able to make YouTube videos weekly, coach people regularly, run workshops often, make a band, play gigs, kiss the person I love, actually hold her in my arms. The life that is waiting for me. The life wherein I’m not living in a 6ftx6ft utility room where my bed-time companion is a Bosch Classixx 1200 Express. And yes I did just read that off of the washing machine because it’s right next to me now. And there we go.
To have been brave enough to actually tell you guys about this part of my life – a part which I’ve kept under the table, so to speak, for a long time now – has taken a lot. I’ll be honest, it’s a relief to tell you the truth about it. But because it’s been something that took a lot for me to post, I’d ask that you do all you feel able to do in supporting my lifestyle change from Washing-Machine Compadre to Mexican Resident. Whether that is donating (to paypal: firstname.lastname@example.org) or checking out the awesome deals I’m offering on my services pages… OR just by spreading the word about the content I’m putting out all the time – videos, blog posts, tweets and so on. Or perhaps introducing a friend or family member to my work. I’d be grateful for any and all support you’re able to provide and when I get to Mexico, I plan to create something awesome for every single person who helped me to get there. The details of which are currently a surprise!
Anyway! Thank you for reading and sticking it out to the end. I know these things can get a bit long.
I love you.
Live, love and play
PS: I’ll be making a video soon about how it is to be hypersensitive and how to deal with the difficulties.