After sharing with you what I shared in the previous post, I wanted to go a bit deeper into how I have been feeling about things lately. I wanted to share some of the difficulties and recurring thoughts that I’ve been having recently. But not only that. I wanted to share with you some of the more insightful and transcendental experiences which have come as a result of actually giving myself permission to be honest enough with myself to actually really feel what I’ve been feeling.
So where does today’s story begin? Well, off the back of sharing what I shared with you before, I finally gave myself permission to actually let my feelings about the position I’m in flow through me. I finally gave myself the opportunity to sit down and feel it all. What’s amazing is that I thought that I was already doing that. I wasn’t. How do I know I wasn’t doing that? I didn’t feel relieved afterwards. Now, however, I’ve finally let go of a lot of the frustration that was building up for me. Beforehand, I was frustrated by minutia and was getting more and more apathetic about my life by the day. That’s not to say I was about to give up. Oh, no. If there’s one thing I can say about myself – and I’ve said it before – it’s that I’m tenacious. I’m a determined soul. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here now. But that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I feel like I’m yelling into a vacuum, shrieking into a void, and not even hearing my own echoes back.
For a long while, I had been feeling like I was being lumped with second best. I felt like I had been given store-brand-value life instead of the expensive-and-worth-your-money brand. I was getting progressively more frustrated with living a sub-standard life and I was spending day after day longing for more. Day-in-day-out I was watching others go about their days and not seeing any of them actually considering me. I was living a life where I felt like I didn’t matter to anybody. And most of all, I felt like I didn’t matter to me.
And that was the key. It wasn’t about living a shit life where it or I felt second best. It wasn’t about having a less-than-perfect life. It wasn’t about what I was being given something by someone/something outside of who I was. It wasn’t about wanting better for myself. It was about being better to myself. It was about giving better to myself. It is about being kinder to myself. It’s about thrusting myself into my experience of life and soaking up every ounce of what is enjoyable and not dwelling on what isn’t. It’s not about forgetting or suppressing or ignoring what I don’t like. It’s about changing what I can, marking what I can’t change now but can change in time and then making peace with the things that will never change. And all-in-all, it’s about holding happiness as the most desirable state first-and-foremost. Of course, not at the cost of being present with myself. Never at the cost of being present with myself. Because for a while there, I forgot about it. For a while there, I let my happiness become second-best and second place.
If there’s something I don’t like in my experience, I can do what I can to change it. If I can’t change it here and now, I can mark it to be altered later and make my peace with the fact that it will be changed soon. If there are things that I cannot change (like the fact that when I sit crossed-legged for too long, my right knee locks up then all I can do is not sit crossed-legged for so long. He says, shifting position) If I don’t like the fact that to live I have to breathe then I make a choice. Do I want to live or not? If yes, then keep breathing. Extreme example but you get the point. And above all things, taking time for me to do those things that I want to do is the most important thing. Something which I thought I was doing before. I wasn’t. How did I know I wasn’t doing it before? Because it didn’t really feel like I was getting any relief from doing what I was doing. And loving oneself always feels good when it is done with the utmost care and consideration for our relationship with ourselves.
I wasn’t built for an extreme life, I’m not here for sky-diving and thrill-seeking. I’m here to be kind to myself and others. When that kindness wanes is when I must reconnect with myself.
When things get difficult, remembering that as hard as it is in that moment is as easy as it will be one day soon is the best thing we can do if we feel like giving up is our only option. As Churchill said, ‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’ I think it was him and I think that’s what he said. Either way, the point stands. But on top of that, it’s not about things being easier or harder at any one moment. It’s about our ability to be present with what is happening. It’s about our emotional resources and tools. Can we give ourselves permission to really be there with our hearts in the experience we are having? Yes? Good. No? Why not?
Any attempt to escape from reality in the depths of an experience is closing the door on greater levels of happiness in the long run.
Realising that everything you experience has it’s place and purpose in this world is one of the biggest salvations we can ever afford ourselves. Giving ourselves the space to see that things always turn out for the best in the end is integral to a wider and happier perspective. Even if the timing doesn’t seem right, it is impeccable. Even if what you’re getting doesn’t seem good, it’s exactly what you need. That said, if I had been told that yesterday, I probably would’ve taken up arms and massacred a small village. But through having my experience, I have re-arrived at those conclusions myself.
And that’s one of the biggest things in life… It’s not about learning something and remembering it forever. It’s about coming full circle and remembering things again. Each time with more depth and more consideration. Life is a journey, it’s a series of events leading to each new moment and within each moment we have the freedom make a choice… Do we want to be here? Or do we want to escape from ourselves?
And as well as this, one of the biggest things in life – when it comes to being with others – is not telling them ‘how it is’ or forcing the “truth” down their throat. It’s about being there with them however they feel and giving them the love, support and space to move through their shit in their own time, at their own pace. I’m glad to have Rosa to be able to support me in that way but even with her doing that for me, the most important part isn’t OTHERS supporting us, it’s us supporting ourselves.
The question is: “Do you support yourself?”