Sometimes, when I really let myself feel it… Sometimes, when I’m reminded by the words of another or the script of a film… Sometimes, when I take a step back and breathe it all in… Sometimes, I feel sad.

The sadness is not a misplaced feeling of dissatisfaction nor discontent with the world. It’s not even a suppressed-now-rearing reminder of how my life isn’t exactly getting brighter. Let’s be honest, who has everything sorted? There’s always something out of place, there’s always something sordid…

No, the reason I feel sad is because I have but one simple desire. A desire which is rarely felt so intensely by those I have had the opportunity to observe. A desire to do something so simple, so regular to most. A desire to do something which many consider to be commonplace and normal. Some even think it to be something that happens too often or oft for too long. Some do it to say hello or goodbye to those they don’t even think much of. But for me, it’s the only thing on my mind.

When the quietness takes over from the bustle of the day, when the bustle sets in with the morning rain… There is but one thing on my mind… A single thought… A simple pleasure… A solitary feeling… A want. A need. It nestles in my gut, it lives in my heart, it claws up at my throat… It sends pulses of tears to my eyes…

When I really feel it, I have let myself be where I am. When I really know myself is when I let myself be here. But in truth here isn’t where I want to be…

And then my thoughts turn hard. Is it fair? Have I done wrong? Am I bad or just a fool? Is there some larger game or lesson? Or am I just slamming my head against a wall? What is happening? If life is change then what is changing? Save my mind growing addled and my weight only gaining? Is this my life now? Is this my failing? Or is it one more test to keep me from hating?

When I sit down and really start to think… When I lay down and really start to feel… I find a soft sadness resting within… It’s not based on sinking, remorse… It’s not really even something from which I can recover…

If i’m really honest – and I always tell the truth. All I really want is to hug my lover.

LLP

Namaste

~A~

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