There are times in life that come once every blue moon. We don’t see them coming and we sometimes don’t even know they’re there. But these times roll or slither or wind their way up (or down) the path to where we are in that precise moment. They come on like a storm and we are out like a light. Not unconscious (every time) or unaware (every day) but sometimes, once in a blue moon a moment comes around that pulls us from ourselves and shows us who we are.
When this blue moon light breaks through the clouds and gives a whole new kind of obscurity to our perspective, we are drawn from ourselves and we are placed in a jungle, on a mountain top, in the clouds, underground. We don’t know if we’re seeing things clearly or feeling things coherently. We don’t know where we are or who we are or even if we are. We’re dipped into the combed honey of our entire plateau up until that moment. We are swept aside yet into place and we are driven by a force that knows no bounds. We are constricted by a freedom which seems to be righteous and we are freed by a cage which seems to ignite us. Where are we when these moments comes around? When they roll or slither or wind they way up or down? When the blue moon breaks the clouds?
When we’re thrown into a frenzy which masquerades as friendly and we’re convinced that what’s happening is down to decision. Then what’s given is just this thing we’ve always given – the note on the paper that we’ve always written. The defense we built up, the words we choked up, all to avoid to be honest and true about the truth of the moment which bleeds to be true, the truth is that “in that moment you forgot you were you.”
Bound up by expectation and wound up by potentials of confrontation, for a moment in the heat of it you plunged your feet in the deep of it. You brushed with life’s lesson but it still left you guessing because all of your focus was consumed by what smoke is. And the fire keeps burning and burning away. Away goes the moment where you laughed and were joking, in smoke is the choice you made to be there. But where is there when there is nowhere and nowhere we are when we aren’t who we are. And in those seconds when we forgot reason, and when the blue moon comes out at the peak of the season, and no choice you’re faced with seems to be pleasing because in that moment, that one tiny moment, you forgot to say “fuck it” and so dove in the bucket and found yourself floundering surface level deep.
And then it gets harder to see things for what they are, not all that bad but smoked by the smog. The smell left behind by the thoughts you swore by, now just a faint and sickly invention. And then intervention is all that is next. The time for you to stand at the mirror and look into your own eyes with conviction. There’s where you find that the true truth resides, beyond all the lies that you so quickly told yourself… Behind all the worry, beyond all the pain, that’s where you saw it, all that remains…
And then in that moment, you oil up your hands. Then in that moment, you submit your own demand. “Fuck it”, you say, “For nothing is certain.” and then you give up on drawing the curtains. The world waiting there, beyond your windows and doors, is a world that will for no man or boy. So time, you say, is what but a gift and make your peace with “what is will give.”
And there in the full light that comes upon dawn, after the light of the blue moon’s come spawned, after that moment’s come rolling or slithering or winding up or down the path to greet you there with profound answers or perhaps nothing at all, the answer that came was nothing but strong and the true truth you found is, “you were you all along.”
I don’t really like the word ‘ego’ but it really is the only way of simply and easily saying “The part of our brains and emotional processing system which deals with charged and reactive behaviour”, so ‘ego’ it is… This Half-Poem-Half-Passage is one of many sorts of more “esoteric” or cryptic sorts of things that I find myself writing. I mean, sometimes I sit down to write a blog post with a topic in mind and it becomes “here’s what happened” and then “here’s how i solved it, in case you have something similar” but then once in a blue moon, it sit down with the same intention but more emotion than the ability to cohesively put across my emotion and something like this is the result.
For me, an ego-based response is rare. I am a very present and considerate person, never letting my emotions or rationality determine any choices on their own. But, naturally, from time to time, disharmony has to arise. Such is life. Thus meaning, my emotions took hold of my rationality and dictated my response to a situation. This doesn’t happen for me in a way that is explosive or hurtful for others anymore, but it does happen. No matter how long you spend being present and balanced, the other side will come and keep things fresh and real. So that’s what inspired this half-poem. As ever, I hope it serves you well and, if nothing, touches your heart.
Keep it real,
Live, love and play