Hey guys. It’s been a little while since I’ve written like I’m about to. With various things going on in my life I’ve either had more time for other things or just didn’t want to write/didn’t feel inspired to write on here for one reason or another. Over the past few days, something more describable has been occurring (and with it, that niggling thought that I hadn’t written here for a while) so it seems that today is the day I will write!
What on? Well – and this is where it gets personal – several days ago, I came into questioning myself about my motivations behind a lot of the things I’ve been doing. Working with Rosa on several energy report for family member of mine, I saw a similar energetic pattern with them and me. It was to do with recognition. I realised that underlying a lot of the things I was doing was this need for recognition. Now, I’m not going to launch into psychology mode and dissect this need. While that might be useful within the framework of the mind-identified self (when we believe that we are our personality-body construct) that’s not what I’d like to focus on here.
We all have our own agendas. Some of them are obvious to us, conscious even. Some are obvious to others too. The worst ones are when they are obvious to others and not to us ourselves. Usually, when these agendas come into play, they are covert in nature. By which I mean, they are very subtle and largely invisible to us. I’ll not speak for anybody else here but for me the realisation that a lot of what I had been doing was infused with the fundamental need for recognition wasn’t immediately obvious. It’s something that I could easily feel embarrassed about.
When this awareness of my recognition agenda arose several days ago, it was obscure and abstract. Had I had the dialogue I had with myself earlier today with myself when this first arose, it would not have gone well. And it would likely have been a bit messy – if only emotionally for me. When it first arose, it was premature and required a few days to work its way up to boiling point.
Come today, I had an experience where I was faced with something that my logical rational mind abhorred. There was another part of my mind, however, that was more willing to accepting that it could be valid or real. And then there was a larger part of me that really didn’t mind either way. This was a video of somebody channelling. I was watching it and having all sorts of reactions. My stomach was contracting and I found myself saying things to Rosa – who was sat across the room from me – which were very harshly judging what was being said. I mean, admittedly there were a few points in the section of the video that we watched which seemed to be directly lifted from someone this lady wasn’t channelling. That didn’t make it easy for me to find somewhere to stand.
And then it hit me…
Now, when we have our covert agendas that arise when we become identified with being the “person” and live life from that perspective (which is just as valid as any other perspective and is, like all the others, relatively real) they manifest differently for each of us. For some people, a need for recognition might arise as excessive seeking emotional energy from others. For others, it might be making life into a melodrama. For me, at least this time, it came through as the repeated need to make others wrong. Aside from the fact that right and wrong are only relatively real anyway, this comes with its own set of interesting implications.
For there to be a right answer, someone or something has to be wrong. For someone or something to be wrong, there had to be a right answer. So, by declaring that something is wrong or untrue or whatever, we are in-effect saying that we have the right answer. Clever little ego game, right? And it catches you unaware. I caught me unaware anyway. Here was me living my life trying to do good by giving everyone the solutions to the problems and BOOM… It became a way of generating a feeling of recognition. One which fell flat on its face. It didn’t work at all. In fact, it had the opposite effect. My accidental clever ego game wasn’t working.
The catch is, however clever the ego games are… They never actually work… Not properly anyway. The ego is only concerned with longevity in a short term way and the short term with eyes for the future. In other words, it’s only concerned with being anywhere but now.
So, going back to today, I realised that the form that this sneaky covert need for recognition had taken was using the actions and words of others to feel right. Clever trap, right? Especially when the world is full of so many things that the ego can disagree with. It would seem like the perfect storm.
What is interesting is that from a place of “I desire more recognition”, I would only end up having an experience of a lack of recognition. Now, whether or not the ego wants to take credit for that and label it the “law of attraction” or not is by the by. What occurs (and very much did occur for me) is that because I had a hunger for the recognition of others, even if I did receive the recognition I said I wanted, I wouldn’t actually be able to appreciate it. Why? Because the need trumps the experience every time – for as long as we are identified with being the one who needs whatever it is we need. So, I’m saying “I want more recognition”, so I just stay in that mental position and whatever comes just washes over me and I don’t notice it. The clever ego game stops seeming so clever.
So, this brings me back to a phrase I shared with my satsang group at our last gathering… “There is nowhere to stand.” If I stand in the desire for recognition then I will always be standing there wanting something just out of reach. If I stand in the recognition then that will be all I have and I would become tired of it. Yet, if I choose to transcend the experience all together then that need will go unfulfilled. This goes on and on then, up the levels, until the idea of standing somewhere is gone entirely.
Shuzan held out his short staff and said, “If you call this a short staff, you oppose its reality. If you do not call it a short staff, you ignore the fact. Now what do you wish to call this?”
What have I done then, to resolve this? Nothing. And everything. In observing it, it has begun to change. Instead of being some secret little play my subconscious mind is engaging in when I’m not looking, it has become another step in the dance of form. All relatively real. All as real as the transcendental aspects yet none are the totality of what is. So, to engage in any one fully and negate the others would be to oppose reality or ignore facts… That rule out the sequential experience of each after the former or following… How then is this done?
The Buddha, in his second noble truth, said that the origin of suffering is attachment. The origin of suffering is the clinging of mind. The Tao Te Ching says, “Have but do not possess.” Possessor as defined by their possessions. A “haver” is not a thing really… So, with the awareness and the loosing of the grip, this problem morphs in to a solution. But then… Let us not get all clingy with this either…
I hope this has served you well. It has me!
All the best,
Keep it real – if only relatively…
Live, love and play.