It must be something in the air. In the last week, I’ve spoken to like four people who have told me that they want to just change everything they are. Four people have said to me, on different occasions – without knowing each other – that all they want right now is to drop everything and reinvent who they are. That’s a lot of people for it to be nothing. And tonight, whatever is in the air, hit me too. Well, I say it hit me… It wasn’t more of a suddenly being set upon by a confusing mix of emotion and realisation. It was more of a crescendo. A gradual welling up of noticing, considering, feeling and then it really came on…
Let me back up a little bit… On my journey through life, I’ve found that – growing up – my life was all about finding somewhere to belong. And when I found that, it was about finding some sense of security in myself. When I found that, I was about dealing with the depression I have been trying to handle for the most part of it. Then, when I had a better understanding of that, it all became about getting my life how I wanted it to be. When things started improving and suffering seemed to be an almost unwavering element of my life, I turned my hand to relieve that. After the almighty realisation that I am not my body or my mind or my personality or anything of that… I had a platform which was free of the tight hold I once liked to think I had on things. And after that settled in and suffering diminished… My vision got clearer. That’s what it all seemed to bring me to – a cleaner, clearer view of what was actually going on. That’s not all, of course. But for the purpose of my point here and now, that’ll suffice.
With that foundational understanding, a decent method of handling my depressive and addictive tendencies as well as access to consistent, unwavering inner-peace, I found myself faced with a new reality. I use the term “reality” loosely, of course. I’m sure you understand! :B
About two years ago, I took on the mantle of “spiritual teacher”. And, as my wife said, “You want to teach about spirituality, so that’s what you are. A spiritual teacher.” And while that seemed to be relatively true for the moment, the constancy of that truth has been tested somewhat. You see, when I took on the mantle it was something to rise to. It was something to aspire to, something to bring into me and raise my game. And it was exactly that for a while.
When I took on the mantle, I was living at my Mum’s house in England inside a 6×6 room (and I’m about 6ft2) and I was suffering with extreme eczema and asthma. To the point where my skin was itchy, red-raw and bleeding most of the day and I couldn’t breathe most of the night every night, despite using my inhaler regularly. Although I had Rosa and my family, it wasn’t the best position to be in. So, in that moment of my life, having something to raise my game and keep my spirits high was just what the doctor ordered, so to speak. And, given my natural affinity for personal growth (and my almost over-exposure to it growing up) and my yearning to help relieve the suffering of others, the mantle of “spiritual teacher” just sort of… made sense.
Over that year or two, I went through various phases. The first was basically one of unlearning a lot of the mentality I had picked up from a cult I had become involved with in the years prior to meeting Rosa. The second was striking out on my own as someone with a more unique take on spirituality and personal growth and development. Then, after moving to Mexico to be with Rosa, another phase unfolded. This was the phase of pretty much the most tangible “awakening” I ever went through. My mind just went silent and I was totally present for about two weeks. In terms of my relationship with my environment and the present moment, everything changed for me in that time. But underneath the surface was another story.
As I stepped into what I felt the role of “spiritual teacher” meant, I gradually lost myself to it. Let me explain what I mean. In the first phase of it, the “spiritual teacher” role helped me to pull my head out of my arse, kick the broken record of cult mentality and start to see things more clearly. That said, without the help of my wife, I couldn’t have done that at all. She had never been sucked in by it all and was a refreshing voice of reason. During the next phase, I started to live everything in my life as a “spiritual teacher”. What I mean by this is, being a “spiritual teacher” became this model I used to interact with just about everyone and everything in my life. It led to so many things, condescension and losing friends being the least of it.
In some ways, this model was a really good thing. It meant that I was able to turn my pain and challenges right around into something that I was able to offer as advice for my viewers on YouTube and you guys here on this blog and so on. But, pretty soon, things went sour. Instead of being true to what I was going through and being as realistic with myself as possible, I started to build limitations and restrictions for myself. The longer I held the mantle and played the role, the more defined my idea of what a “spiritual teacher” was became. Before long, my ideas were so defined that – without actually realising it – I was restricting myself and editing myself so much. Worst of all, I was totally blind to it. Not to mention, this was all an internal struggle which had no real form so nobody else really knew what was going on.
Without any conscious decisions, over time, the mantle that raised my game slowly by surely became a cage for me. What this meant in my day-to-day life was that if I didn’t do things how I thought a “spiritual teacher” did things then I would get frustrated or agitated and not know why. To be clear, I had no idea that’s why those feelings were arising. Hindsight is 20-20. If I woke up late, I’d be frustrated that the day was half done and I hadn’t achieved anything – because a spiritual teacher contributes to the world, they don’t waste away having a lay-in. I would always be overly cautious about what I was putting out on my YouTube channels. My teaching channel gradually became more and more of a quiet place – and now seems like it is just a memorial to the less restricted version of me. And my vlogging channel, which is still a relative baby, just didn’t have the touch it needed to attract the viewers I wanted. Interestingly enough, at the start of the “spiritual teacher” trip, I was getting hundreds of views on every video. Some, even up to a thousand. But the more restricted I got, the more that “spiritual teacher” pattern solidified, the less and less views would turn up. Now, I’m not one to do it for the views but I feel that’s a pretty concise example of the effect of this weird pattern I had developed. The whole thing got to the point, really, where I was literally unable to connect with people properly. It was always through this filter of the “spiritual teacher”.
You may have noticed, if you’ve been dedicated enough to keep up with the posts on this blog – or on the videos on my channels – that over the past four years of the writing on this blog I have been through just about every phase in the “spiritual” movement possible. Well, more or less. The phase of weird new-age crystal junkie buzzword extraordinaire was one of the ones I personally find most abhorrent but let’s keep this topical, eh? Each of those phases came to their respective ends in due time. And it seems now that this “spiritual teacher” phase is coming to its close too. You had probably guessed that by now, what with the way I’ve been writing this. But yeah, it seems that it’s time.
But why? I hear you ask. At least those of you who aren’t sighing with relief that I’ve finally given up that pipe-dream. Why indeed! Before I get onto that specifically, I just want to clear up some of the things that I feel were achieved as a result of my playing that role for a while. I’ll pop them below in a list format so that if you want to just skip over it to the why then that’ll be easy enough.
What was achieved as a result of my taking on the role of “spiritual teacher” are as follows:
- I learned a valuable lesson about what it means to transcend pain, transmute suffering and live in service of others.
- I charged full-steam-ahead into truth and deeper understanding of the more esoteric/occult fields.
- My bullshit-o-metre got a full upgrade.
- I got out of that cult.
- I was able to start to offer concepts, ideas, teachings and so on that undid some of the damage done by the cult.
- I wrote an awesome book which is a collection of verses offered to me by the gods. You can download that for free here, if you want to.
- I helped a bunch of people to learn how to transcend their personal pattering and conditions to reach greater levels of peace.
- I got a deeper, cleaner view of what is really needed in life and what isn’t.
- I got a taste for what it means to live a simpler life, untainted by unnecessary bullshit and have been set on a path to continue that to this day.
- Other stuff.
So, now that that’s out of the way… Why? Why am I packing this in? And so soon?
Well, guys, after some deep reflection, a series of extensive and pretty revealing rune castings and some other divination with Rosa, it came to my attention that the whole thing had become more of a hindrance than a benefit to anyone, myself included. It had become a thing of delusion and was blurring my senses on this path. I have ceased to represent myself fully as a result of it. This has been the case in more ways than one. To be honest, in so many ways that I literally couldn’t list them all though my comparatively brief overview in this post gives you some idea.
And, I need to consider the fact that when one cycle ends then another begins. Right now, this cycle is definitely at some sort of turning point. And as I mentioned at the start, I’m not the only one feeling this! It seems that the time to let this whole thing go is upon me. And in so doing, I will let this surrendering serve as a welcoming gesture for a new phase in my life.
What does this mean then? Am I still going to be around posting shit and that?
In short, yes. This doesn’t change my intention nor my values. It’s still really important to me to help people wherever I can and to do my very best to improve the quality of life of those around me to the best of my ability. I can tell you that I’ll be letting another part of me which I have kept as a secret for quite a while now be shown more publicly as of now. And I can tell you that I’ll be spending a lot of time learning and reflecting – partly regarding my heritage (spiritually and ancestrally). And, in general, just raising my game in a whole new way.
The next natural question is… “What’s next?” That, my friends, is something I can’t tell you. Mainly because I actually don’t know yet. Not the foggiest to be honest. But what I can tell you is that this blog, my channels and my Facebook pages won’t be going anywhere. Nor will the project Rosa and I are working on together. That remains our primary focus and is something that we’re both extremely passionate about. So, that will continue until either it stops helping people, we lose our passion for it, or we find a better more effective way to help more people. If you’re yet to find out about the project Rosa and I run together, you can check that out here: Darshan Road. I can also tell you that my site will be changing in appearance a little bit soon, just to incorporate a newer more current energy.
Anyway, the long and short of it is… I’m not going to be going around with the mantle “spiritual teacher” any more. I don’t know what I’ll take on next, if anything. We’ll see. I’m not overly fussed by the idea of being anyone or anything. That’s quite liberating. To be honest, this right here right now is a huge moment for me. It’s a moment where I am going, “Shit. What is my driving force now then? What’s it all for? If I’m not doing that, what am I really doing?” So, really, it’s time for some soul-searching and some reflection. It’s time for me to consider lots of things and pick a new direction to move in. It’s actually tremendously liberating, to be honest. And I hope that if, like me, you’re at a point in your life where you feel like it’s time for a change too, that this post helps you through that. I know it’s tough. Trust me, I know. Realising that what I’m doing is actually not the right path for me and dropping what felt like my “life’s work” is fucking terrifying. But it’s worth it.
As my favourite quote from the Bhagavad Gita goes, “It’s far better to walk your own path imperfectly than to walk someone else’s perfectly.” So, on that note, I turn and face the strange. And embrace it all fully. In all it’s fucking maroon mardy mentalness. If you’re going through that change period, my heart is with you. And please, if you need support, please don’t hesitate to contact me. As always, I’m fully ready to help if I can. And if not, then all the best to you on your path.
Big love and hugs to you guys. And, you know what? If it feels right, then while you’re living then love and play too.
Love ya loads, guys.
Thanks for reading.