There’s a great deal of obsession with changing, growing and being better in this way or that way. I can sort of appreciate why. We’re all suffering in one way or another – or, at least, are all in pain – so it’s pretty natural to expect that we’ll respond by looking for solutions to that. Each of us, based on our own experience, seem to be inclined to a different sort of preference when it comes to the finding of solutions.
For some of us, psychiatry is what a solution looks like – pumping us full of drugs so we don’t have to actually face the problem. For some of us, it’s personal development or psychology – a pretty good idea in my experience but it does fall down at a certain point. And for others it might be spirituality or something else. Most of us have ideas on what the solutions to our pain look like and most of those solutions invoke some sort of forced change.
Change in this way and you’ll be happy in this way. Alter yourself in this way and you’ll be happy in this way. So on, so on. There’s multiple multi-million (if not billion) dollar industries which have been established on the idea that we we are right now is actually not good enough and that in order to become good enough, we need more personal possessions, more substances which alter our physiology, more identity and personality changes and so on. And the majority of us see through the thick pane of bullshit tinted glass that’s being offer through those mediums. But what we tend to forget we’ve bought into – or even bought shares in – is the idea that change for the better has to be forced.
When you look around at like and what happens during, you’re faced with the apparent inevitability of only several things. Death, pain and change. And death and pain are both forms of change. So it seems that (at least within the realm of physical life) just about the only thing we can really know will happen for certain is change.
So why do we feel like we need to force it? Why bother? It’s going to happen anyway. Much better than trying to make changes happen in ourselves, we could be just noticing the changes that are already occurring and figure out how we can either benefit the most from them or manipulate the outcome of them in a way that better suits us in our lives.
“I need to change.” No, you are changing. All the time. Just make sure you don’t change into a total bastard and the world will be a bit of a nicer place for all of us.
On the path I walk, the riddance of illusion is integral to any degree of honesty. I am always ready to just get rid of any lies I’ve told myself or anything similar to that. In the various stages I’ve been through in my life, the illusions/lies have differed from chapter to chapter. And as I drop each next illusion, I come to know myself better; I come to recognise a deeper level of what I have maintained in order to be “Andey” and engage in life “like Andey does”. We all do it.
When I peel back yet another layer I realise more and more so that whenever we’re happy, contented or at peace, we are only really relatively so. There’s a whole other realm/void beyond our current level of self-knowledge (as with any sort of understanding) and while we are not stepping into it, we are total ignorant to the nature/contents of said realm. It’s sort of like a vacuum though. You open the door and you’re sucked in. Yanked from the comfort of your delusional ignorance and plonked into some new terrain as yet unexplored and generally quite scary.
Like, before I dropped the biggest attachment I’d generated in the last few years, I had reached a point where I had become quite content, peaceful and generally quite joyful. But, as life itself doesn’t cease in its relentless changing, that didn’t last. In some sense, the peace I found as a result of surrendering all the attachments I thought I had in that moment was only a conditional happiness. It’s sold as an unconditional happiness but it’s still conditional. The condition being that you surrender all your attachments and then the general sense of peace at your core is allowed to pervade. So, okay the peace itself isn’t necessarily conditional but the practice of surrender very much is.
Without surrender actually becoming the only rational and intelligent response to your illusions/delusions, you just perpetuate the ones which would be more uncomfortable for you to get rid of. All that does is enable small glimpses of some greater thing. So, in a way it’s a life-long process. But, it’s not too much of an actionable one. Like, there’s gotta be a drive and a determination to get rid of your shit but after that, you’ve gotta let the flow sort of bring the things to get rid of to your door. Going in pursuit of them is far too intellectual to yield any sort of decent response. If you just sort of do your best, things work out. And, if you’re honest enough, sooner or later surrender becomes the only rational and intelligence answer to these things. But, at least in my experience, you’ve gotta try everything else to be totally sure.
It’s that same thing again. It all seems to come back to this for me… Just get on, do your thing, don’t worry too much but make sure you’re not being a stupid idiot with yourself. That’s my way. It’s one of the things that’s yet to fail me. I mean, what’s better than our best?
What I mean when I say I realised I was only relatively happy was that once I let go of that thing, I’ve started to open myself up to another deeper realm of feelings. Like another layer of the spiral. All the things I’ve found it tough to deal with in my past have returned to be re-evaluated. And on top of that, I’ve been faced with my addictive and depressive tendencies once more, as well as the pang of inner-loneliness. So, it’s all really sunny and rainbows are everywhere right now. Everything makes total sense and I’m really happier than ever. Hah. Nah, I’m really getting down and dirty with some of the stupid things in my inner-world right now and, yeah, it’s not all unicorns and rainbow candy. It’s tough. But, that’s life. Life’s shit some days and it’s tough on others. But we get by. How? We just do our best. What more can we do? It’s giving me something to channel into my re-emerging psytrance music, so that’s pretty sweet.
Keep it real guys,
Live, love and play all you can
Ps: speaking of the need to change…