Sitting here on the edge of my bed (because, y’know, sometimes you just can’t get comfy on the sofa) with the A/C blowing cold air at me and conveniently masking the sound of the obnoxiously loud music the neighbours are playing because today is Mexican Independence day. It’s a strange sort of holiday because it seems a lot like it’s more of an excuse for everyone to get pissed up, laugh at nothing and scream unintelligently at soul-shaking volumes than cause for any real introspection or reflection on the reason it’s even a holiday in the first place. But then, I guess that’s what most national holidays are for a lot of us. Doesn’t matter which country you’re in, it’s about the same. Get pissed up in the name of something you sort of care about (even though you care more about getting pissed up).
Over the last few months, I’ve been having this nagging feeling that I needed to get in contact with my grandparents (the ones on my Mum’s side – I talk with my grandparents on my Dad’s side once every two weeks). I’m not the sort of person to remember to contact people. I’m not actually the sort of person to think about people either. Things remind me of stuff and people. I don’t often sit in contemplation or consideration without worthy cause. That said, I emailed my grandparents – my Nan and Pap – and arranged to Skype them on Saturday. And I’m sitting here thinking about the things we usually talk about together. In all the years we’ve spent as grandson and grandparents, I think the thing we’ve talked about the most (and inherent within that statement is the assertion that it’s also the subject on which we’ve clashed the most) is religion.
Well, religion for them and spirituality for me – more or less. They are Jehovah’s Witnesses. I am not. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to catch me within a 5 mile radius of any Kingdom Hall unless I’m inside a car at full speed and the Kingdom Hall just happened to be on the way to wherever I’m going – and if we’re being honest here, that won’t be very often because I’m so seldom outside of the house these days that the only times I pass a Kingdom Hall is when I’m buying biscuits on the occasion that Rosa doesn’t pick them up for me.
Anyway, you get the point. They’re into that and I’m not. We’ve argued about it a lot. And I’m sitting here on the bed thinking about us chatting on Saturday and realising that where once spirituality was this huge part of my life, now it rarely crosses my mind as “spirituality the thing”. If I look back to 2011, spirituality was this massive part of the growing and learning me. I couldn’t get enough. Skip forward to 2013, I’m writing this blog, 60% brainwashed by a cult and ready to change the world. Skip forward again and I’ve dropped all the bullshit ideas I absorbed in the cult and from various other places (law of attraction, trying to be nice all the time, forcing myself to be a certain way and so on). And here I am today thinking more about developing my actual skills so that I can improve my life and improve the lives of my clients.
Where once I was obsessing over my “vibration” (dear god), now I’m thinking, “No one is coming to help me. Let’s do this thing.” Quite the change in attitude and I’m better off for it. The law of attraction is a very smooth way to royally fuck yourself into doing nothing if it’s not treated properly. And by “not treated properly” I mean that to treat it properly is to more often than not leave well enough alone and just get on with your life instead of faffing around with things you can’t see.
This has been a pretty mental evolution, to get to the point I’m at now. For ages I was into the whole thing and now, looking back at it all, I’m like “Oh god, save me from myself.” Herd mentality will get you and get you good when you’re a clueless 18 year old idiot.
I think, if it was Saturday now and I had my Nan on Skype in front of me and she asked me what I thought about God now… I’d have to think about what I’d say… I guess the truth would be: “I’ve had some sort of experience that makes me want to say that God exists. It makes me want to say that God exists as much as we do and more. But how I know that or what God is like or what I’m supposed to do with or about any of that… Well, I don’t really know and I don’t think I care that much any more. In short, I feel like God is real but more than that doesn’t concern me. Like, if what someone else thinks of me is none of my business then God is definitely none of my business.”
I know that a lot of religious people use the existence of some sort of god to make them be nice to people. I also know that it doesn’t always work as an incentive because, well, there’s loads of Catholics who do that confession thing where they tell their designated god-man about the things they’ve done wrong all the time. I could guess that if I was to say to my Nan what I said in the previous paragraph then her next question might be about my relationship with morality – in words to that effect.
If she did ask me that, I don’t really know what I’d say. I couldn’t be completely honest at that point. They don’t like swearing so I couldn’t say what I say to most people, which is, “Try not to be a cunt”. I feel like that pretty much covers it. I guess, to get my Nan and Pap on board with what I’m saying and have it be a proper chat rather than just another time when I get moaned at for using bad words, I would have to be a bit more articulate…
Either way, what’s most curious – and I reckon you’ve found yourself at a point that’s similar in your life – is that now everything that I deemed “spiritual” – like really really spiritual – is not just “life” (as my Dad once said to me that it is for him – instead of it being some big thing, it’s just how things are). And moreover, most of the “spiritual” stuff looks about as silly to a punk or a goth or something like that. All dressed up over the top of just you and then you just go about life pretending to be something only to still be you at the end of the day. And then you look back at all the stuff you used to do and what you used to be like and you go “oh god” and “hah, jesus fucking wow on a little chocolate biscuit” in equal parts.
I think more than being done with spirituality, I’m just done with most of the things that surround. The way people are, the things that are expected of you, the things you end up expecting of yourself. All that stuff. There’s a lot of shit out there. It’s all I can do to filter out as much of it as possible really.
Also, yes the title of this post was to make you click it. Sorry about that. No I’m not really done with spirituality, I just don’t bother with 90% of anything pertaining to it any more. I’d rather have a good time, coach and mentor people to do incredible things, learn about myself, lock my front door, play video games, eat and ignore pretty much everything else. Probably won’t last. That’s just where I’m at right now.
What about you?